"Life in community is no less than a necessity for us,
an inescapable 'must'...
all life created by God
exists in communal order
and works toward community."

-- Eberhard Arnold

being with the same people over and over again,
every day,
amplifies the need for forgiveness
again and again
and that i must learn to love
again and again.
i need to get over my insecurities.
asap.

give me eyes to see

Habakkuk 2:3
For the vision is yet for an appointed time; But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; Because it will surely come, It will not tarry.

Though it tarries, wait for it. Because it will surely come. It will not tarry.

Though it tarries, it will not tarry…..?

I prayed this morning and asked God to remove the veil of time from my eyes. Perhaps instead of me not seeing something that He sees, this time it’s that I am seeing something He doesn’t. I see time. I see waiting. I see questions and I see my own plans. But He doesn’t. He’s not subject to time. He’s not dependant of a clock or a calendar. And my own impatience demands explanations for his tarrying… when all along he’s saying “it will not tarry”. It’s not delayed. So I want His eyes. I want to see not just what He sees, but how He sees. I want to wake up and not worry about tomorrow. I want to “sleep” like Jesus did through the winds and the waves and know in my heart that it will be okay. I want to be okay with the fact that maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself and that maybe He wants to surprise me. And I want to let him take me there.

Half of our lives are spent trying to find something to do with the time we rushed through life trying to save. – [I don’t know who wrote this…. But its good.]

I flip my pillow to get to the cold side.
the same thing over and over again gets boring.
i read the book of Ruth today. don't know why she got her own book .
couldn't they have stuck her cute story in the middle of Judges or something ?
i now feel cool about her calling me her 'Boaz' . I thought it was a french curse word prior to my excursion into Ruth today during the old guy's lecture today in class.
i bought 5 dollar coffee tonight. actually two of them, one for a friend.
it just tastes better that way .
oh, and sorry.
for calling the church a whore.
i shouldn't have .

"the church is a whore and she is my mother"
-St. Augustine.

the church is indeed a whore but she is not my mother. She is me [ ? } and you
[ possibly ]
and yes, we are very sinful. we judge others when we ourselves are worthy of judgment. and this makes me angry.
but i won't run away. i won't give up on us .
i will pray for change.
and go back to the shack.

"were in repair" - John Mayer .

"loneliness is the first thing which God's eye named 'not good' " .
- Milton.

Naked.

"and the man and his wife were both naked and unashamed" - Genesis 2:25

Has anyone wondered why we wear clothes?
Adam and Eve didn't wear clothes before the Fall, right?
they didn't. (just in case you were searching)
They were naked, and unashamed.
I've never been naked, and unashamed.
why is that?
The Fall.
We lost relationship with Love.
and so were on this search for someone, something, to love us.
to tell us we are valuable.
when all along, Abba is asking:
"Where are you Adam?"
But i run, toiling and spinning, when will I learn from the Lilies?
that i can't add value to myself. That i'm at best in my sleep.
when i'm not going a hundred MPH looking for someone to say
"Good Job" .
buying 5 dollar coffee cups at Caribou when all along there's free coffee downstairs.
searching for leaves to cover my nakedness.

JOURNAL ENTRY : 10/5/08
I feel like I'm missing something. Jesus says that He loves me, a lot, actually unconditionally. That means that i can toil and spin, or I can sleep, and His love for me remains. But if that's true, then why do I long so much for someone to love me? Why do i toil and strut my stuff in the crowds searching for leaves to cover my nakedness? If I am really loved by Jesus, then that means that I don't have to strive to be loved. It means I can be myself, i can laugh at my own jokes, listen to folk. (?) It means that i can stop looking to her to fill that hole that we all have, the hole the size of an apple? If I trust that He loves me, since He does whether I do trust or not, then it releases me to run through the garden of this life without tripping over the approval of man every time i go to my closet or to the mall? Does this mean that I don't have to buy 5$ coffee cups because it makes me look cool?
It means a lot more than we think .
We are loved by Jesus, The Man
What does that mean to you?

"It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on."
- Galatians 5:19-21 ( The Message )

nothing else will satisfy.

Johns lonely voice crying out in the wilderness prepared the way for Emmanuel, God is with us.
A cry from self abandonment in our own wilderness has to usher in communion with Him... right?

Seduction of the Secondary

" It is often a "seduction of the secondary" that keeps us from our primary love for Christ and for those He has given us to love. The "secondary" can consist of a commitment to a leader, our denomination, or the nonessential ( but familiar ) customs of our brand of religion. Unity is difficult when those secondary considerations become the basis for judging or staying away from others. Added to these can be racial, cultural, or social differences. Sometimes, education, position, financial status, or political beliefs can stand between Christians, keeping them from loving one another and experiencing the unity that Christ wills for them. When we "major in the minors," we end up separated from people who do not look, act, or talk like we do. The only way to overcome this is to be sure Christ is first and foremost in our lives and to set aside the secondary things that have little ultimate value. "
- Lloyd John Ogilvue

debating theology and politics is very exciting to me, so this cuts me to the heart. But I'm beginning to understand that debating and arguing is sort of an offspring of the our Adamic nature. since the fall, we have competing with one another so see who's better at this and that, but Jesus comes and says "this child is the greatest". So, although it is a strong temptation in me to argue and debate, or even compete, I'm trying to lay it down and focus on the things that ultimately matter, mainly Jesus and His Cross. So whether you believe in Calvin's ideas of election or not, and if you wear an Obama T-Shirt or you have a Bush/Cheney bumper sticker, it matters not to me. i love you anyways. let's go eat pizza and love on Jesus, lets go preach the cross and feed the hungry... lets move on.

john piper.

would you be satisfied to go to heaven, have everyone there in your family that you want there, have all the health and restoration of your prime, and everything in this life about yourself fixed, have every recreation you've ever dreamed of available to you, and have infinite resources of money to spend, would you be satisfied?
If God weren't there?

" i have too much of the world in me to enjoy the Lord, and too much of the Lord in me to enjoy the world. " - Shai Linne

dizzy.

the human heart is the most confusing vessel in the human makeup. who knows where it leads or why it leads, or at what speed it can be led. why is it when everything seems so right it has the capability to be so very wrong. if life had a road map it would be so easy, but yet so boring. if we knew the future what is there for risk, for adventure, in fear, in love, in destiny and fate. but at points i would trade it all in so that i could never hurt anyone again. so that i didn't question, i just knew.
Stephen Christian .

journal:
am i alone in that i am easily ensnared into the trap of my emotions ? One good laugh shared with someone immediately puts the feeling in my stomach that , " this could be right " . and i don't like it. i want to know her. i'm tired of the circles of yes and no, and maybe so. there are some that know the one, and it's straight running from there, but me on the other hand, no, i have not run straight ever. with my good friend, i am left in awe, but i have forgotten what that feels like. but that's part of life, especially in love. there's no telling what will happen tomorrow, or after this post. and maybe that's why marriage has come into question in the hearts of so many. they suspect boredom in running straight. they remember the times (of which i currently run) of wavering in and out of desire. i, on the other hand, am tired of the "in's and out's". i want consistency. i want to be lovesick. i want to be captured. I've tasted it with Jesus, and it's so sweet. Now, will it ever happen again? i sure hope so, because I'm dizzy.

Paul's farewell letter to Ephesus

"You know that from day one of my arrival in Asia I was with you totally—laying my life on the line, serving the Master no matter what, putting up with no end of scheming by Jews who wanted to do me in. I didn't skimp or trim in any way. Every truth and encouragement that could have made a difference to you, you got. I taught you out in public and I taught you in your homes, urging Jews and Greeks alike to a radical life-change before God and an equally radical trust in our Master Jesus.

22-24"But there is another urgency before me now. I feel compelled to go to Jerusalem. I'm completely in the dark about what will happen when I get there. I do know that it won't be any picnic, for the Holy Spirit has let me know repeatedly and clearly that there are hard times and imprisonment ahead. But that matters little. What matters most to me is to finish what God started: the job the Master Jesus gave me of letting everyone I meet know all about this incredibly extravagant generosity of God.

25-27"And so this is good-bye. You're not going to see me again, nor I you, you whom I have gone among for so long proclaiming the news of God's inaugurated kingdom. I've done my best for you, given you my all, held back nothing of God's will for you.

28"Now it's up to you. Be on your toes—both for yourselves and your congregation of sheep. The Holy Spirit has put you in charge of these people—God's people they are—to guard and protect them. God himself thought they were worth dying for.

29-31"I know that as soon as I'm gone, vicious wolves are going to show up and rip into this flock, men from your very own ranks twisting words so as to seduce disciples into following them instead of Jesus. So stay awake and keep up your guard. Remember those three years I kept at it with you, never letting up, pouring my heart out with you, one after another.

32"Now I'm turning you over to God, our marvelous God whose gracious Word can make you into what he wants you to be and give you everything you could possibly need in this community of holy friends.

33-35"I've never, as you so well know, had any taste for wealth or fashion. With these bare hands I took care of my own basic needs and those who worked with me. In everything I've done, I have demonstrated to you how necessary it is to work on behalf of the weak and not exploit them. You'll not likely go wrong here if you keep remembering that our Master said, 'You're far happier giving than getting.'"

36-38Then Paul went down on his knees, all of them kneeling with him, and prayed. And then a river of tears. Much clinging to Paul, not wanting to let him go. They knew they would never see him again—he had told them quite plainly. The pain cut deep. Then, bravely, they walked him down to the ship.

Oh, how he loved them. i hear story after story of missionaries who went to Cambodia or China or somewhere, and them saying that it was the hardest thing to leave them. their hearts were knit together. His heart is knit to ours, and He feels the feelings of our heart. I'm wanting to feel His.

don't reject His plea.

How I wish you could see the potential,
the potential of you and me
It's like a book elegantly bound,
but in a language that you can't read just yet

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart
You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

There are days when outside your window,
I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective,
when we'll be lovers, lovers at last

You reject my advances and desperate pleas
I won't let you, let me down so easily, so easily

I will possess your heart
(death cab for cutie, narrow stairs)

...

inside of the redeemed, deep on the inside, lies this longing.
which, due to our depravity, does not come from us.
this knocking, in the middle of the night, with persistence.
the desperate plea of the Father longing for His child.
i see this Jesus that ignores the locked doors of our lives,
walks through walls, and whispers : " peace to you " .
He has come through the walls of my heart, and swept me away.
He has possessed my heart. and the more time i give to Him,
the more wood i put in the fire, burning inside of me.
its the burning desire of the Father, the lover of my soul .
the Lover of your soul. don't reject His plea. read the lyrics.

apology.

i apologize
For trying to prove what's not there.
That I enjoyed the same music.
That i didn't burn with every curse word heard.
For saying, "i don't think so"
instead of , "hell no you shouldn't."
For doing what they all did
converting to ordinary, to be relevant.
but being relevant didn't change anything.
Like the Baptist I was born,
like the shepherd king, i was tempted to wear
Saul's Armor. to fit in.
but i can't .
i really tried too.
They enjoyed me more this way.
so i guess thats a good thing.
i enjoyed it more this way too.

i hear my train...

"As a child I dreamt of saving the world, but realized it would have none of it, as a man I dreamt of changing my nation, but was ignored, as an old man I dreamt of changing my family, but couldn't, and only now on my death bed do I realize I should've changed myself, then my town, then my nation, then maybe I could've changed the world." - Some Archbishop

im repented that i grew too attached to some things over the past few months. So my prayers are that it all might grow distant with the distance. this is the end of something and the beginning of something new altogether. My desires have untied the knot. the glue has dampened. i'm not complaining. its just all part of the package. my friends say that all will remain the same. but i would have to render that false. it will all change. and change is good.

i was sitting down with a friend the other day. i told her that i did not know why i was doing this. i have never felt the sovereignty of God as heavy as i do at the moment. why can't i just follow the path of the one whose treaded it ahead of me? i don't know how this will end up. usually when one thinks that everything will change, not much really changes. but i want things to change. i want to fall into the hands of my Maker. that means change. that means risk. that means no more shortcuts. im casting myself unto the Sovereign One. i can't help but shake as i write this but find confort in the biography of brother Hudson Taylor who forsook all to preach the Gospel to a gospel-less China. with only pennies in his pocket, He remained faithful to the Faithful One, not asking for any money for his entire career as missionary in China. He trusted. He now wears a crown on his head that "perishes not". [ Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret by: Dr & Mrs. Howard Taylor]

the 25th: im off chasing my dreams. this is what i've spent entire nights talking to friends about since i was a kid.

"how can they hear without a preacher" right?

Dear next President of the US of A.

Hey Mr. President,

congratulations on your recent promotion.

I don't know much politics, but since both sides are professing Christians, Paul would advice me to remind ya of some scripture.

Mr Obama: ( if your still alive)

King David, in one of his Messianic Psalms, states "But You are He who took Me out of the womb; You made Me trust while on My mother’s breasts. I was cast upon You from birth. From My mother’s womb You have been My God." (Psalm 22:9-10).

Please don't allow the murdering of babies.

Mark 10: 6-8: But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.

This one's a tough one, because if you're in office, it's probably because you got all the "left side" votes. So following God's law on this one is definitely going to get you in trouble, but hey just think about eternity for a moment. In 50 years, you will look back and say, "hey, i could have helped stopped the murdering of millions of babies, but i let it happen". That would be a major bummer.

They say that you'll make my wallet heavier, so that's cool. But Jesus told us not to make decisions based on whether or not we would make more mammon or not, so...

Don't count on my vote.

Dear Mr: McCaine:

My friend in Iraq tells me that they think Mr. Bush is a terrorist. My friend is a christian. She can't go to sleep at night because of the constant bombing. Her church building was bombed. Put yourself in her position sir. And i know that it's your job to make the U.S citizens feel safe. I know that the actions of the terrorists are evil. But consider what Scripture says about evil.

Paul asked: "how can you say, “Let us do evil that good may come”?.
Romans 12:14 Bless those who persecute you;

7 Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. 18 If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. 19 Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,”[a] says the Lord. 20 Therefore



“ If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
If he is thirsty, give him a drink;
For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”[b]


21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.


And no offense sir, but you can't believe in God and evolution at the same time.

Don't count on my vote.

...

In 120 characters or less, what would you say to the next president?

john piper's "wartime lifestyle"

" sometimes i use the phrase "wartime lifestyle" or "wartime mind-set." The phrase is helpful- but also lopsided. For me it is mainly helpful. It tells me that there is a war foinf on in the world between Christ and Satan, truth and falsehood, belief and unbelief...it tells me that the stakes of this conflict are higher than any other war in history; they are eternal joy or eternal torment (matt 25:46)

...I need to hear this message again and again, because i drift into a peacetime mind-set as certainly as rain falls down and flames go up. I am wired by nature to love the same toys that the world loves. I start to fit in. I start to love what others love. i start to call earth "home". Before you know it, i am calling luxuries "needs" and using my money just the way unbelievers do. I begin to forget the "war". I don't think much about people perishing. Missions and unreached peoples drop out of my mind. i stop dreaming about the triumphs of grace. I sink into a secular mindset that looka first to what man can do, not what God can do. It is a terrible sickness. And i thank God for those who have forced me again and again toward a war-time mindset. "

hi.

those two letters have so much speed. they get me from :( to :). i didn't use that word for a long time until December 2007. i'm starting to use it alot now. and i have found that it's a beautiful word. it's a key to a whole new world at times. it opened me to beautiful relationships with so many people and so im thankful for "hi". i'm not the kinda guy that has a vision every time i have a bowl of cereal, but i think i hear God a lot. not audibly, but like heartburn -except in my belly. and i always feel God telling me to say "hi". it's like "hey, i got a word from God: hi." . yesterday i was sitting around at a friends house with some folks i had never met before, at it was awkward. were all just sitting around, checking our phones to see if we had any new texts [although my phone was on vibrate]. and so i feel "bellyburn". so in a really weird way i turn to the guy next to me and say "hi". he looked at me like a wacko but it actually led to a full fledge conversation filled with stories about how his sister almost died of fever and how he thinks our church is "dope". remember wisdom, "life's like a box of chocolate."

the here and now

"we can easily become so driven by our vision for church growth, community, or social justice that we forget the little things, like caring for those around us." -shane claiborne.

God please help me to love my mom and dad, sisters, pay for a friend's lunch... to do the little things that i often overlook.

Austria has been on my mind, so much in fact that i took my eyes off the here and the now - and the opportunities thereof. i was praying for God to use me overseas to bring about change, feed the hungry, heal the sick, etc. but Jesus has reminded me about my family, and my friends, co-workers. He wants to use me [you] now.
for tomorrow is never promised.
while reading james' book in the new testament last night, it made me wonder whether we were meant to have all these plans for the future. i think we should constantly remind ourselves of "now" .of the present moment. and of making the most of it. mother teresa used to say: "you cannot love your neighbor unless you learn to love your family." and maybe thats one of the problems with our culture, that we've been programmed since we were kids to look ahead and have all these dreams. that , on its own, is a good thing. but we've made it out to be that all we live for is the future. the patriarchs of our faith also looked forward to something, but nothing earthly. their hope was in The City, eternity. and they understood that the pleasure they recieved in eternity is directly linked to the present moment, and what we do in it.

so open your eyes and your hands little child,
look at those 5 loaves and 2 fish that seem so small
learn to use them now in this moment
and one day you'll be able to feed us all.


but whatever you do, do not miss this moment. because there's beauty in it.

[as you read this, it's a beautiful moment: a chance to pray, a chance to make someone's day, a chance to surprise your parents with a big wet kiss!]

these two in mind

when time shows its weakness, loved ones show their heart.
when reality becomes real, christians show their zeal.
so we live with these two in mind
that time and eternity live together.
that "they can't hear without a preacher"
and "she will fall for another".
life, Jesus, and love-
have taught me their lessons.
they've taught me that "life isnt life unless it's given away".
that Eric Clapton's "layla" does exist
and that there can always be another on the other side.
then she becomes "layla" and then another...
Jesus has asked me "will you turn away too?"- and i counted the cost.
she will ask me the same as life has taught her that i will.
but to both i respond, i'm here to stay , although i go.
like Upton sings, i run, but love's magnet has me running right to you.
i'm starting to comtemplate the possibilities that Jesus meant everything He said.
very unpentecostal of me, i know.
but His teachings of celebacy and redistribution have tugged on me lately
and i ask "did He mean it?" .
and He asks the same of you and me.
"did you mean it?"
when you said you will follow.
it really hurts to leave for these three years
but i'm off following Him.
and i can only hope and pray me and her are opposites.
though for now it seems doubtful.

may God give you peace.