The longing for a best friend

Written by Jennifer Giner

The Longing For A Best Friend

All my life I have longed to be called someone's Best Friend and have never realized the extreme that I would go to in order to hear someone say those words in return. I remember in High School I would do my friends homework just so she wouldn't get mad at me and just to be the best friend I could be, yet I was never good enough. Even now at age 26 I deal with this very thing. I have thought I have been the best friend I can be to people, I will go the extra mile, I will give when I don’t have and will sacrifice time with my husband to be that friend, I will listen when no one else is there and love uncontionally even when I know things were said about me that affect my character. And yes, sometimes I would hear it in return but then with technology the way it is, you have things like My Space and Facebook that show you who is in your top 10 and then you have tags on pictures that say it all, and then all you are left with is just empty words and a feeling of your not good enough, and you didn’t give enough. This may not affect many people but for the people that struggle with insecurity and disappointment and that longing for a Best Friend someone that not only says it but posts it everywhere, I have hope to give you. There is someone out there who thinks of you higher then anyone else. His name is Jesus!!! This week I have thought about this allot and it just blew me away on how caught up I was in being someone's best friend yet God longs for someone he can just call FRIEND. Our cares should not be placed on man but on God. There is an enemy out there and he is out to destroy your mind by your thoughts. Joyce Meyer is one of my favorite inspirational leaders, she writes allot about the Battlefield of the Mind. Allot of areas that she has gone through I can relate especially her frame of thinking. Joyce said for years she spoke whatever came to her mind and that got her in allot of trouble. I know that for me anytime I felt insecure or the enemy would attack my thoughts I would just say it and it pushed so many people away. We have to all come to a place in our life that we recognize where a thought is coming from and say "No this thought is a lie and from the enemy, but I know that the joy of the Lord is my strength and I don’t need to be at work and at church depressed, Instead I will think about God's word and the good plans he has for my life."

The devil puts thoughts in our minds and if we don’t know God's truth and how he really sees us then we will believe whatever the enemy tells us. This is the battle and we can learn to win the battle by learning how to fight it and let me tell you that the fighting part is not the way we think. We have to remember that our emotions will follow our thinking!!!! You will not win this battle overnight, it will take time. Always know that you are of worth and that if you don’t have people that call you Best Friend you have someone that calls your Friend and that is more priceless than empty words and broken promises. A good friend told me one time that I was not called to fit in because if I fit in I would not be able to fufill what God has purposed me here for. So know you are loved and when you are under attack and the enemy is at full force against you, attack him with the TRUTH from God's Word. And the best part is WE HAVE THE VICTORY EACH TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!

come into the light

It’s Christmas and I’m on my computer… and its because I have a lot in my heart. I read somewhere that it is scientifically proven that extreme exposure to light gives the resemblance of darkness. That’s why when you look at the sun you kind of go blind for a second or something.. and all you see is black until you move your eyes and then you see spots. Its uncomfortable to look at bright light. Our eyes are use to a certain type of setting, and if its raised or lowered we have to learn to adapt. I guess that’s why the closer we try to get to the Father… the closer we try to get to the Light, the darker everything else SEEMS to become. That’s how I’ve been feeling lately… like what was suppose to get better gets worse. What was suppose to get brighter just got alittle darker. Ever feel like that? Like you needed a breakthrough or an answer yesterday, and it’s today?? But heres where theres healing… knowing this is the answer… God understands. Im sure that after every miracle He did, after every prophet He sent back in the day…he thought “Maybe it’s going to get better. Maybe they will fall in love with me now. Maybe they will repent today.” But it didn’t . So He sent Jesus. And even then im sure he was thinking “Maybe when they see me in the flesh they will follow me. Maybe all it takes is for them to see that I understand what it’s like to be human and to feel what they feel… maybe now is when they will return to Me”. And still… we didn’t. So Jesus died. He shed His blood. God probably cried. But He never gave up. Im not giving up. Your not giving up. It’s hard... but we are drawing closer. The light is very bright… but it only gives the RESEMBLENCE of darkness. It’s not really dark… it just looks like it. Even though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death… it’s only a shadow.
Psalm 139:11-16
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Max Lucado…my favorite author wrote this :
“Can anything make me stop loving you?” God asks. “Watch me speak your language, sleep on your earth, and feel your hurts. Behold the maker of sight and sound as he sneezes, coughs, and blows his nose. You wonder if I understand how you feel? Look into the dancing eyes of the kid in Nazareth; that’s God walking to school. Ponder the toddler at Mary’s table; that’s God spilling his milk. You wonder how long my love will last? Find your answer on a splintered cross, on a craggy hill. That’s me you see up there, your Maker, your God, nail-stabbed and bleeding. Covered in spit and sin-soaked. That’s your sin Im feeling. That’s your death in dying. That’s your resurrection Im living. That’s how much I love you.”

friendship [a lost art]

[i pretty much took 6 days to write this blog due to fear of the result]

i am starting to learn about seasons. i think Solomon is known as the wisest man ever because of one thing: he understood the principle of seasons. winter is awesome, but if it was winter all the time then all the plants would stop growing and old ladies would freeze to death. suddenly winter isnt so awesome anymore. summer is nice, but if it was summer all year long, then...umm..then...well it would be kinda cool to have summer all year long. whatever the point is that there is a necessary shift in seasons during the year. i've also learned this: the things [or seasons] that we go through teach us valuable life lessons that we can share with others. this is what i've learned from the season i just went through: loneliness womps. i went through an "isolation" period of my life for "spiritual" motives. the motives were to seek God more whole-heartedly with less distractions. and the truth is that the "isolation" did work...for a while. and i think its the wise people who know when it's time for another change in seasons. but i played the fool. i got stuck in my season of "isolation" for way too long and ended up as the lone ranger pt.2 . it was the worst experience of my entire life. and because i was [felt] lonely, my relationship with God went into the dumps as well. something inside of me longed for community and warmth and i found myself caught up in a pickle: i had forgotten how to be a friend.

friendship seems like the easiest topic in life. not for me. and the truth is that i have realized that true friendship has become a lost art today. i'm not even trying to teach on friendship [i know very little of this treasure] , i'm just writing in this journal of mines and hoping that maybe i can motivate someone to atleast try. that's where i'm at. i'm trying to look at you in the eyes. i'm trying to listen. i'm trying to look past the veil and into the depths to see if your hurting or not [because i really want to help] .i'm trying to be interested in your interests [just because it interests you]. im trying to stay awake at night when your telling me how your day went. im trying not to say "um i gotta go" when there's an awkward silence. [someone once said that you know when a person really wants to talk to you when they don't have to run away from the awkward silent moments] ...

true friendship to me is when you can have a blast with each other just being. just hanging out, picking your nose. not doing anything awesome or expensive...

example : last saturday night, some of the boys and i decided to skip the "getty" that was going on at a church friends house and opted to go to south beach and just run around in the sand and just hang out. [3 guys at beach, midnight= wierd looks from everyone around us] [ and everyone that sees me after they read this blog] . and let me tell you, it was the coolest night ever. that's friendship. and you know what i've noticed, my relationship with God is much better now. because it's His children hanging out together, having a blast.

and He likes that.

so i'm trying.

and that's all that matters.

hey god whats up

"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear."- Stephen King

Ever wondered if God has things he wants to say… but hasn’t found someone to tell them to?? I sometimes wonder what the secret dreams of God are… what He’s been waiting for someone to ask Him. What He’s been waiting for someone to do. The things He’s hoping we’d tell him. He probably hopes every time we pray… or every time we go to church “maybe tonight will be the night they will fall in love. Maybe today will be the day they begin to see me for who I really am. Maybe this will be the song that they will sing to me… and not just sing along.”
Moses gave God something special. He was God’s friend. His buddy. God said “I talk to Moses face to face, like a friend, because He sees the form of the Lord”. [Numbers 12:8] God is just waiting for us to see Him for who He really is. To see His form. To see what hes really like instead of who we think he might be… or what they’ve told us he’s like. God wants to be your friend. He wants to be able to talk to us face to face too… I mean, think about it… the veil was broken in two. There is no limit. Moses didn’t have Jesus… yet he had a friendship with God. He didn’t have hillsong or Jason upton, yet his face was transformed everytime he’d pray. We don’t need anything… we just need passion. God is not looking for someone who’s all put together, has amazing discipline and can say all the right things at the right time. He just wants someone to talk to. And maybe this isn't politically correct or doesnt make theological sense... but he probably just wants us to ask Him… “Hey God… how are you.”

monks.

.religion. Jesus.
Pure and undefiled religion is this…to take care of the orphan and the widow in distress, and to be unspotted from the world…James 1:27

"Modern man is responsible to society- HE THINKS TRUTH IS ESTABLISHED BY MAJORITY OPINION. For religious man, responsible to God, God alone determines Truth, and one should avoid judgments based on false, human criteria. God stands diametrically opposed to world. Men were false- God was Truth: an unbounded abyss separated them."

---Abraham Joshua Heschel "Passion for Truth"

"Whenever we talk about religion, it is important that we make clear that true religion is not a bad thing, but a good thing. In fact true religion (a life responsible to God rather than to human opinion, or self rule) is, in my opinion, the way God establishes his Kingdom here on earth. So when we speak of religion in a bad light we are referring always to false religion, or anything that leads us to follow after our own opinions, or the opinions of pop-culture. If Truth is no longer relevant in the opinion polls of humanity, do we disregard Truth in order to be relevant? I hope not. An even more difficult and pressing question is when Truth is in opposition to our own opinion, or doctrines... Do we disregard Truth in order to protect our opinion? I hope not."

-jason Upton

I’m very frustrated.

What’s the purpose of my beliefs if there’s nothing being done with them?

We have fought so hard to kick religion out of our [religion] that we have been left as a bunch of monks speaking in tongues and dancing but making no effect at all on the earth.
Have you thought that it is possible that prayer has become a sort of [idol] to us?

C.S Lewis wrote “ I try not to pray for anything that I could do with my own two hands” .

Maybe I’m wrong. I probably am. But it just frustrates the hell out of me that I’ve spent thousands of hours [on the mountain] but very few hours [in the sea] . _read “burning in the sky” lyrics by : Jason Upton_ I mean, why would we get down from the comforts of the mountain [with all the “high” feeling that it brings]? Why would we trade the pleasures of our [church service] for church service? There’s a big difference. Who even named our gatherings [church service] anyways? Maybe it was the enemy’s attempt to get us to think we were doing our service by going to [service]? And what about religion? isn’t it our duty to be religious? [read verse on top] we now find ourselves to be the most lazy and ineffective generation of the church that there has ever been. Yea, we fill our churches on Friday nights and Sunday mornings, and yet there is more need right outside of our pretty walls then ever before.

*

So what does James say our pure religion should be?

To take care of the orphan [the rejected ones] and the widow [ the broken ones] and to be unspotted from the world [pretty obvious] …

*

[ I had previously written a long summary [commentary] on what this verse meant to me but I think the [ essay on the law of undulation] was too long so I’ll keep this short.]

*

...To take care of the orphan- our first [religious] duty is to be friends to the friendless…”the most terrible poverty in the world Is not the lack of money, but the feeling of being unwanted or unloved”- Mother Teresa. [Selah]

*

...To take care of the widow [this might require our finances] . The widow in mind symbolizes the many hurting people today that are in need of love and aid. It’s very easy in our lives to never notice the broken. But everywhere we look, there are hurting, dying people. “look beyond the window there” …

*

"It is the choice to suffer with our friends or not. It is the choice to enter into real life with others or not. It is the choice to build community around our common humanity or not. It is the choice to suffer with the One whom suffered for all humanity or not. We 'suffer with Christ' or not."

-Al Sergel

*

so maybe religion isnt too bad after all...

“Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.”
St. Francis of Assisi

The Law of Undulation [ an essay concerning it]

...this may be a little lengthy, but it's an essay i wrote on the Law of Undulation...may be interesting if it suits your style...basically so that you wont be confused the whole time that you're reading, the Law of Undulation is the promise of life that there WILL be ups and downs...this essay discusses what God and Satan think about it and how we should react during these times...by the way: [trough=valley]

**

“Has no one ever told you about the law of Undulation?” It is “the repeated return to a level from which they repeatedly fall back, a series of troughs and peaks.” I have undoubtedly become very familiar with this law of undulation. I thought it might be a problem that only I had, but since reading this book, I now understand that all man is subject to this law as well. I go through cycles of high’s and low’s all the time. Mr. Lewis explains the law as well as anyone can in the 8th chapter of this marvelous book[Screwtape Letters]. In the next few paragraphs, I will elaborate on the key points that Clive points out about the mysterious, yet very real, law of Undulation.

Screwtape begins his discourse on the law by explaining to his young disciple that he has no reason to be joyful over the “trough” that his patient is currently enduring. He points out that “the Enemy” [God] takes the opportunity during these ‘low’ times in men’s lives to gain permanent possession of a soul. He states that some of “His special favorites” have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else. This trough in man’s life where God steps back for a moment and disables(in a sense) the soul’s sensitivity to His presence, serves God’s purpose in allowing man to decide whether or not they will obey Him. If God were to allow man to remain on the ‘peaks’ of spirituality at all times, then it will be contrary to His nature in that His presence would override a man’s will therefore breaking the law of free will. ‘He cannot ravish, He can only woo”. These troughs in our spiritual lives where God “withdraws” are not meant to destroy us, but rather to get us walking on our own two feet- “to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. “It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature he wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. And if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. (This next line in the paragraph is one of the greatest that I’ve ever read)- ‘Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring , but still intending, to do our Enemy’s will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.” But like in every good thing under the heavens, Satan tries to pervert it to His pleasure, seeking to exploit the misuse of the God-given experience for His( Satan‘s) own profit. In the next paragraph, I will attempt to summarize the revealing of Satan’s objectives which Lewis so beautifully discerned.

I learned in prayer one night that the Enemy(of God and of my soul) understands fully that he is unable to kill a Christian ( at least not without permission), and because he understands this, His aim is to try to restrict the Christian as much as He possibly can. One of the ways He tries to limit the Christian is by exploiting them through the law of undulation. He doesn’t just try to exploit the trough periods , but also the peak periods of life. In the trough period, Satan tries to limit the Christian (especially the new one) through the lust of the flesh. Every man alive understands this test of the flesh during the weak moments in our lives. We are more vulnerable in these times, and the enemy takes no rest to make sure that our will is conformed until His. “To get the man’s soul and give him nothing in return- that is what gladdens [Satan’s heart]. To try to exploit these trough periods, Screwtape tries to make sure that [the patient] has no knowledge of the law of undulation. Screwtape understands that a man is more likely to triumph over the temptations during the “trough’ periods if he understands that he is justg going through a period, and that if he overcomes the temptations of the flesh in these period, the light at the end of the tunnel will be revealed and his “walk’ stronger still. But like I said, Satan does not only try to exploit the trough periods, but he also tries to win the man’s soul even in the peak times of his life. The way he does this is by perverting the God-given pleasures of the ‘peaks’ . Screwtape writes: “He [God] made the pleasures…all we can do is to encourage humans to take the pleasures which our Enemy has produced, at times, or in ways, or in degrees, which He has forbidden.

So in summary, the law of undulation is permanent in humanity as long as were in time [there is coming a Day in which all of humanity will step out of time into eternity] and it cannot be run away from. Now that we understand this, we must take into consideration these two things; that God uses these trough periods in our lives to further strengthen us and to restore us to His image [through temporary withdrawal] , also that Satan attempts to destroy us during these times by the lust of the flesh and the weakening of the mind. Do not be deceived, there is one that seeks to destroy you, his name is satan and he has been known to steal many a soul through the law of undulation, but don’t fear, for this law will only strengthen us if were obey God, if we feel Him or not, in the peaks and the lows.

**

[not in essay]= my advice to all- now that we have this knowledge of the law of Undulation, the next time that you're feeling that you're in a "trough", get away from solitude and run to companionship...run around, do something, but dont be idle! and always remember the law to overcoming temptation " if idle, do not be alone...if alone, do not be idle" ...

remove the veil

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. ~e.e. cummings

Almost every man wastes part of his life in attempts to display qualities which he does not possess, and to gain applause which he cannot keep. ~Samuel Johnson

How come it’s so easy to pretend? Ever noticed that we spend more time trying to please other people…. Doing things that aren’t really us, saying things we don’t really mean, living as though we were on some stage and we had an audience to please. The bible says that one day Jesus had just gotten baptized… and the moment he got out of the water God said “this is my son, in whom I am well pleased”, another version says “This is my Son, chosen and marked by my love, delight of my life”. Jesus hadn’t done a miracle yet… he hadn’t healed anyone, raised anyone from the dead yet, preached anything, flipped any tables… nothing. He was just Jesus. The one God created Him to be. Normal Jesus. well, not normal… but if we were to see Him then we’d probably think so. And God was pleased. Ever thought that God is just happy with us being us? Maybe we don’t have to please everyone to fit in. Maybe we don’t even have to fit in. Maybe we don’t have to hang around with the cool kids at church to have doors open up for us. Maybe God , like He said He would in the first place… would take care of that for us. Maybe we don’t have to pretend to be all holy… maybe it’s okay if we just admit it’s hard. Maybe we don’t have to look like the rest of them… talk like the rest of them… pray like the rest of them… maybe God just wants us to be us… the ones he envisioned while he was creating and putting us together. Maybe it’s time we start ending the pretending… and remove the veil.

What this world needs is
For us to stop hiding behind our relevance
Blending in so well that people can't see the difference
And it's the difference that sets the world free
- Casting Crowns

first place.

why is it that knowing about some hole in the wall place, or hearing some indie band before everyone else makes us feel so elite?
and why....why must we feel elite?
why does it make us feel so good to be 'better' than someone else?
disgusting I say.
well....not disgusting.
just human.

"So the last shall be first, and the first last."

the devil and G-d are raging inside me

right now i should be reading "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis for my english class, but i'm the king at procrastinating.

for those of you who have never read or heard of the book, it's basically letters sent from Screwtape - a demon, to his newphew Wormwood. Wormwood is what you'd call a novice demon if there ever was one. he isn't educated in the ways of fooling humans the way his uncle is. in these series of letters Screwtape gives Wormwood advice on how to take a humans eyes away from The Enemy (G-d), and eventually bring them to their Fathers (Satan) house.

while reading this book a question arose in my mind that immediately made me put the book down... "what are our demons doing to take our eyes away from G-d... what weaknesses do they see in us that will easily take us off our narrow path?"

i personally believe we all have our own demons inside of us. the album title to Brand New's latest album says it best, "The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me." i believe thats true in all of us. theres a constant battle inside of us each time we make a decision. do we do what we know is right (G-d) or do we do whats wrong (the Devil).

it might be a little early for me to recommend it, but i'm really liking this book. definitely check it out whenever you have a second (after "Blue Like Jazz" (Don Miller) of course).

_________________

i don't know if anyone will do this or not, but if you feel so inclined, write something in the comments section you think the Devil tries to exploit in all of us. what does he do to you or people you know in hopes of taking your/ their eyes off his Enemy (G-d).

silence.

* “Do not speak unless you can improve the silence”

“We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.” -Mother Teresa

"try going one hour with no phone, no computer, no music, no talking, no internet, just you and serenity. i don't think many of you will try it because a lot of us are afraid of the outcome... your afraid of what you might hear in the still, yourself. others will start, they will get away into the woods, and then 10 minutes into it their mind will begin to wander and think of 110 other things they should be doing, and 10 minutes after that return home to reply to that email or return that "urgent call". but if you succeed in going an entire hour of silence, not saying one word, in solitude, i think you will find one thing easier to discover...yourself. " - Stephen Christian

- in these modern times, silence never crashes into us. i've learned that we must knock before the door of serenity and silence is opened. and beyond this door there are many treasures, that few will find, for fear of silence. for silence is married to solitude, and solitude is the man pleaser's kryptonite. pride is non-existent in silence. it is rare to be in serenity for more than 20 minutes and not be humbled by the Eternal One. our enemy would love for us to be caught up in "wall street" where our ears are numbed by the busyness of life. but its in those wilderness's of solitude that Jesus, John the Baptist (and all the other cool guys) (and girls) found God and with it found themselves.

* In the silence, You are speaking, In the quiet, I can feel the fire,

And its burning, burning deeply, Burning all it is that you desire to be silent, in me.

Oh Jesus can you hear me? My soul is screaming out.

And my broken will cries teach me: What your Kingdom's all about.

Unite my heart to fear you,To fear you're holy name

And create a life of worship...In the spirit and truth of your loving ways

Jason Upton

Do you still love me?

* The diary of a not-so-perfect Christian... who God is madly in love with.

Good Morning Grace,
I woke up today and I forgot to pray. Maybe God was alittle dissapointed... I heard about this guy who prays every morning and he seems pretty awesome so I figured i should pray every morning when I wake up too. But i forgot. maybe im not that awesome....
I started getting dressed and was alittle fustrated cause I was running late. Maybe I shouldnt have gotten upset.. good Christians never get stressed you know? They should always be patient and happy. I guess im not that good of a Christian.
I finally got to school and I went to the bathroom to pray. First I repented for not praying this morning when I woke up, and then I just talked to God. I really love talking to God you know? He kind of is my best friend.. i tell him everything. I like talking to him also cause I know it makes Him happy... I love it when God is happy. I wish I could make him happier, kind of like how Benny Hinn does. God must be really happy if he lets Benny knock people over with just a blow...
Later on today I talked to someone about God during lunch. I didnt think they'd get saved but I did it anyway just because I love talking about God and I wanted them to hear about how great he is. This girl in my church saves like 10 people a week... I wish I could be like her. I think I saved someone last week but im not too sure...
When I got home I went to my room and tried the tips I learned at church about how to "really get in the presence of God". I turned off the lights and I played the songs i already had memorized really loud. I first started repenting of all my sins then I started praying for all the unsaved people... then i just used the new words I learned at church... I dont really understand half of them but they should really good when I say them. I figured God wouldnt pay much attention to me since i didnt pray this morning when I woke up and I didnt save anyone eithier...
but then something happened Grace..
God showed up in my room. No i didnt see Him.... but his presence was there... and he told me something... [he kind of whispered it to my heart but whatever, same thing...]
He told me about you Grace. He said you were mine. He said I didnt have to try to hard to be a good Christian because you were mine. You give me what I dont deserve...
it also didnt matter if i dont pray 2 hours a day or read alot of chapters of my bible because God still loved me. There was nothing I can do to make Him love me any less or any more...
What a relief!
Oh, i almost forgot....
He also said to stop comparing myself. He said he made me good enough.
I guess he really meant it when he said he picked me....

Goodbye Grace, see you tomorrow. I might really need you...
Love,
Seeker of Gods Heart.


OK... so this isn't an actual letter; but i tried. I know how it feels... i know how it is to strive really hard to barely be 'good enough'. All my life i thought that I had to deserve everything i had.. so i tried my best to get good grades at school and be a good daughter and friend. Maybe then I wouldnt feel so guilty about receiving love if i had tried to convince myself that somehow I deserved it because of all the good stuff i've done. Then i fell in love with God... and somehow again I tried to do things that i knew would make him happy just to believe that the love he gave me was because I was a good and faithful christian. If i spent long hours in prayer and reading my bible i was sure that God was totally in love with me... but if I didn't, or it wasn't long enough or even good enough; he was dissapointed at me. Ever felt like that? Ever feel like it's not enough? Ever get tired of trying and trying only to be as good as your last good deed?
I did. But guess what... we don't have to. He really really loves us and theres nothing we can do about it. He loves you when you pray 10 hours a day [even though i doubt anyone really does]... and he loves those 15 minutes when your washing your hair and you just tell him you are so in love with him that sometimes you feel like bursting. Stop trying and start loving him back. Stop trying to deserve what you already have and live freely. From an ex-striver, i tell you... Grace is sufficient for you.

Hes a God who has all things... and still He wants you. [Barlow Girls song]

<3