12.18.2008



he and i just spent the last half hour sharing journal entries with each other.(no homo)

i'm so glad that i've written in my journal all these years

because now i get to go back and read my entries and see how goofy i was/am .

there are some things that stuck out to me :

there's this one girl's name that remains inscribed over and over again, from 16 to 19, and it's annoying because there will be a time to think of her, and write to her, but then nor now is that time. these years are so peculiar. my mind can be free of that pursuit, and responsibility. i am happy to say that these last three weeks have been [nearly] completely free of any romantic thought. three weeks! [can you believe it?]

there seems to be this pattern on the pages : i love you jesus, followed by "God, forgive me" [repeat and rinse] .

i enjoy my writing more than anyone probably ever will.

“I am enamored of my journal”

-Sir Walter Scott , ditto.

12.15.2008

honesty

Matthew 15:8
‘ These people draw near to Me with their mouth,And honor Me with their lips,But their heart is far from Me.

I think when we become ‘professional christians’, we find it easier and easier to speak with our mouths what our hearts really don’t believe. Its like we become accustomed to say what we believe God wants to hear, even if we really don’t mean it. This has just been in my heart lately… how we can speak so quickly and try to impress God with our sayings when in reality our hearts are far from what we say. We say we’re ready, when we really aren’t. We say “have your will”, when the truth is we really don’t want his will, we want our will. We say we are His, when our hearts are divided. But our acts only work on an audience. God IS truth, so im starting to think he wants our honesty more than he wants our pick up lines.

Doesn’t the Bible say that if we confess with our mouths what we believe in our hearts, we will be saved? Maybe that’s why we aren’t really free… cause we have confessed what we really haven’t believed.

So I changed my prayer, and I told God the other day “God… help me believe you. Help my unbelief.” … and I meant it… and it felt good. :)

be inspired !



love you guys !

12.11.2008

blah, blah, blah

i have too much time on my hands today. being an outcast gives me this great joy.
anyhow, i was reading a blog tonight that was mostly a complaint sheet listing all the things that annoyed that particular person. so i thought, "hey, almost everything annoys me. why don't i write about some of those things on my blog ?" and then i thought back to myself, and said "maybe because no one reads my blog and it would just be a waste of time".
but i can't go to sleep so here it goes .

here we go, the things that annoy a 19 year old bible college student :

[these are the things i think about]; pray for me .

1. Small talk.
Just get to the point already!

2.Brushing your teeth then drinking orange juice.

3.Cold toilet seat

4. The idea that the world runs on money

5.Wet socks.

6.When people leave time remaining on the microwave and you walk by assuming it's the correct time. happens all the time !

7.Getting out of a warm bed, when your house is freezing.

8.Bad internet connection.

9.When you forget you have headphones in and walk away from what they're plugged into

10.Grocery shopping carts with a bad wheel. i'm a walmart junkie .

11.beyonce's stupid commercials .

12.When someone that gets on your nerves IMs [or facebooks] you.

13. When your ears don't pop correctly and you get this excruciating pain as you descend in altitude on the plane ride.

14. crumbs an my keyboard [ as i type this, there are cracker crumbs on my fingers]
-because i can't stop eating in college .

15. popcorn getting stuck in my teeth .

16. Someone calls you. You miss the call by a second. You immediately call them back. They don't pick up. [ or the fact that i left my phone charger in Miami]

17. messy roommates .

18. when everyone seems to want to talk to me in the morning.

19. people waking me up in class. [ or church ]

20. the word "umm" [ especially in prayers ]

21. really loud praise and worship .

22. the one Asian lady in my class that asks me if i left my feet in Miami" everyday [ because i wear sandals to class and its 10 degrees outside ]

23. snow on my feet.

24. my lazy eye

25. pimples.

26. when you're talking to someone and they keep looking somewhere else .

27. People who tell stories in class that's irrelevant to the discussion. oh, grace.

28. Not remembering your dream from the night before

29. when you "feel" your phone get a text message, only to find that your inbox is empty.

30. Someone standing over my shoulder reading the computer screen. {...}

31. when your butt itches and you have to move around in your seat to scratch it, but it doesn't go away. [ or does that only happen to me? ]

32. People who voted for Obama just because everyone else did.

33. when people are praying for you and their breath smells like crap.

34. the "myspace angle" picture that every 15 yr old girl seems to have .

35. when people critique your posts {...}

36. when you're typing and the cursor moves to another spot

37. Fake laughter.

38. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"

39. sweaty armpits [ only reason the cold is good ]

40. forwarded emails that say " if you believe in God, pass this on to a million people"

41. dorm mentors who wake me up everyday by pulling my sheets off.

42. old people complaining about young people. [ "back in my days, blah,blah,blah" ]

43. people who always want to DO something when all i want to do is read or watch movies in my pj's.

44. when i ask for a plain McChicken and they screw up my order .

45. having to pee every time i wake up.

46. people making fun of my buddy holly glasses. [ just because they don't have lens]

47. when you feel like sneezing but it won't come out.

48. contagious yawns .

49. when churches try to be hip. [ lights, hip youth pastors, the fact that every worship leader has to dress cool ]

50. long offering speeches .

51. benny hinn.

52. spanish radio.

53. Venezuelan spanish.

54. people telling me to "buckle up" in a car .

55. Waking up for class

56. not being able to sleep at night.

12.09.2008

floating



this morning in class i prayed that i would be able to fly in a hot-air balloon. i've left where i didn't want to be and yet I'm not yet where i want to be and i won't be there for a while . a hot-air balloon ride would be perfect. i must be careful though because the dissatisfied place is a dangerous place. it is where most of humanity hangs, floating. distant from reality . it is of great importance that i touch land and follow the Sovereignty of the season.

i don't want to be floating forever.

12.07.2008



romance and the cold like each other .

"do not stir up or awaken love until it is ready." - Song of Songs .

12.05.2008

i am a mess .
i want to be 12 again and fix what i broke
i want to go back 2 1/2 months and not write that note .
i want to be 16 again .
Jesus feels so distant yet so near to me at this broken place .
someday i will look back and thank myself that i said no to her .
even if i feel like crap at the moment
right ?

12.03.2008

[ashley g.] ART



the last ten days of my life have been fascinating.
i was homeless for two days on the streets of downtown minnesota .
i turned 19 .
i went back to miami for a few days .
i preached a sermon on the love of money wearing glasses with no lens .
went to boca beach in my new jeans. > water was cold, waves were huge .
overdrafted my debit card on cici's pizza
envied Julio Anta's beard .
witnessed an arrest, followed by a brawl between the arrestee and arrestor(s) .
^ on the plane that was supposed to take me back to campus.
> was switched to another plane because of the blood .
arrived to campus at 430am . ( thank you roomie for picking me up so early in the morning)
tons of snow fell from the skies today
^ we responded by having massive snow ball fights/ wrestling matches
and sledding down hills for an hour .

Advent Conspiracy

11.28.2008

Deep cries to deep

The Father to His Son & Daughter
The Lover to the Beloved :

And I long, to cover you with grace
And I long, to anoint your feet with praise
And I long, to see you face to face
Wont you come? Wont you come?

The Beloved responds
The bride is awakened and dawned... and she speaks :

And I long, to feel your warm embrace
And I long, to love and be amazed
And I long, to see you face to face
I will come.... I will come

11.23.2008

on the high mountain we will see that this affliction is light
it is but a wind
passing away
on the valley we question whether eternity took a wrong turn into our city
is our pain ever going to end ?

"For instance, we know that when these bodies of ours are taken down like tents and folded away, they will be replaced by resurrection bodies in heaven—God-made, not handmade—and we'll never have to relocate our "tents" again. Sometimes we can hardly wait to move—and so we cry out in frustration. Compared to what's coming, living conditions around here seem like a stopover in an unfurnished shack, and we're tired of it! We've been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what's ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we'll never settle for less."

-paul of tarsus, in his second letter to the corinthian church, THE MESSAGE .
"Get thee up into the high mountain."
Isaiah 40:9

Each believer should be thirsting for God, for the living God, and longing to climb the hill of the Lord, and see Him face to face. We ought not to rest content in the mists of the valley when the summit of Tabor awaits us. My soul thirsteth to drink deep of the cup which is reserved for those who reach the mountain's brow, and bathe their brows in heaven. How pure are the dews of the hills, how fresh is the mountain air, how rich the fare of the dwellers aloft, whose windows look into the New Jerusalem! Many saints are content to live like men in coal mines, who see not the sun; they eat dust like the serpent when they might taste the ambrosial meat of angels; they are content to wear the miner's garb when they might put on king's robes; tears mar their faces when they might anoint them with celestial oil. Satisfied I am that many a believer pines in a dungeon when he might walk on the palace roof, and view the goodly land and Lebanon. Rouse thee, O believer, from thy low condition! Cast away thy sloth, thy lethargy, thy coldness, or whatever interferes with thy chaste and pure love to Christ, thy soul's Husband. Make Him the source, the centre, and the circumference of all thy soul's range of delight. What enchants thee into such folly as to remain in a pit when thou mayst sit on a throne? Live not in the lowlands of bondage now that mountain liberty is conferred upon thee. Rest no longer satisfied with thy dwarfish attainments, but press forward to things more sublime and heavenly. Aspire to a higher, a nobler, a fuller life. Upward to heaven! Nearer to God!

"When wilt Thou come unto me, Lord?
Oh come, my Lord most dear!
Come near, come nearer, nearer still,
I'm blest when Thou art near."

-charles spurgeon

11.20.2008

'Christianity started in Israel as a movement, then went to Rome and it became an empire, then went to Europe and became a government, then finally it came to America and became an enterprise.'

11.18.2008

"I'm dizzy from the shopping mall
I searched for joy but I bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pains
And a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
At all

...I can't be sure that this state of mind
Is not of my own design
I wish there was an over-the-counter test for loneliness
For loneliness like this...

....Friends - check
Money - check
Well-slept - check
Opposite sex - check
Guitar - check
Microphone - check
Messages waiting on me when I come home - check

How come everything I think I need
Always comes with batteries?
What do you think it means?..."

-john mayer, something's missing .

"they all cry out for Jesus" .

11.17.2008

Night has found its way here
And all I can hear are memories shrill and clear
Like today man had his way
And stole and what I made
He saw that I was sincere

So use me up, then throw me away
Build your careers and friendships
Quote on Quote and frankly I’m ashamed
That I left my name on her lips
Cause when it ends they’ll swear it is

So I’ll fall asleep and try not to think twice
About all the things that forever
Will kick me down the steps
For being too nice
Cause everyone’s searching for treasure

And they’ll just dig, dig, dig
Until they cant get out
And die in dirty digging for treasure
But as for me I’m giving up and ill take my bow
And focus on my treasure forever
Yes, I know that my treasure is heaven

- bryce avary , rocket summer

to love and love again
to forgive 70 times seven
is a work of Love .
an action taken by one
who knows their treasure is in
a City made by Divine hands
"where moth and rust do not destroy,
and where thieves do not break in and steal".

As the Ruin Falls

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

C S Lewis

11.13.2008

my simple song

all i want to see
is what your eyes delight in
all i want to hear
is the symphony that moves your heart
all i want to know
is the rhythm of your heart beat
cause you are everything to me
and i could spend my days
chasing the wind
and i will find in the end
that all that remains
is what i first started with
and that is your love
so dont let me move away from you
dont let me turn my eyes from you
i want to be overwhelmed
completely compelled
with the sight of your beautiful face.

let me know that you see me
help me believe you've never looked away
cause the knowledge of your love
is all that im needing
and the beauty of your grace
is what I am breathing
and to know that I am yours
will be more than enough today.

11/13/2008

11.12.2008

"God treated Christ as if He were a sinner...
as though He had committed every sin that every person would ever commit ...
[ even though He wasn't a sinner ]
in order that He might treat believers [ even though we're sinful ]
as though we lived the perfect life of the Lord Jesus Christ. "

-Shai Linne .

this is our 100th post since we started this blog and so i thought i would take this line
TO THANK YOU
for reading our blogs .
and sticking with me
even though my writing
is at best:
GOOFY .
i hope and pray that our writing has in some way shape or form provoked you to love Christ and your neighbor more .

10.28.2008

you have heard it said:

"We are the ones who are right, they are the ones who are wrong. We are the good guys, they are the bad guys. We are honest, they are crooks."

but i tell you this : " no man is good "

we're all sheep .

10.24.2008

free falling

Here I am once again
Mercy is what I know best
They told me we are all prone to fall
So here I am once again
But this time when I fall
I'm going to free fall in love with You

Ecclesiastes 3:11
Yet God has made everything beautiful for
its own time. He has planted eternity in the human
heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope
of God’s work from beginning to end.

10.23.2008

wheat & tare

i love how jesus leaves the tares with the wheat...
how he left the cursing psalms
& the patriarchs screw ups
& the sex in the song of songs.
& the story of when He beat the crap out of the moneychangers in the temple.
& paul and peter's argument behind closed doors.
& " jesus wept " .
& the wedding at cana, and how he kept the party going by providing the wine.
& the emo poetry in ecclesiastics.
...
because at the end He makes it all beautiful .
...

leave it all in. the beauty and the beast . the wheat and the tare .
humanity is beautiful.
be human.

10.12.2008

"Life in community is no less than a necessity for us,
an inescapable 'must'...
all life created by God
exists in communal order
and works toward community."

-- Eberhard Arnold

being with the same people over and over again,
every day,
amplifies the need for forgiveness
again and again
and that i must learn to love
again and again.
i need to get over my insecurities.
asap.

10.10.2008

give me eyes to see

Habakkuk 2:3
For the vision is yet for an appointed time; But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; Because it will surely come, It will not tarry.

Though it tarries, wait for it. Because it will surely come. It will not tarry.

Though it tarries, it will not tarry…..?

I prayed this morning and asked God to remove the veil of time from my eyes. Perhaps instead of me not seeing something that He sees, this time it’s that I am seeing something He doesn’t. I see time. I see waiting. I see questions and I see my own plans. But He doesn’t. He’s not subject to time. He’s not dependant of a clock or a calendar. And my own impatience demands explanations for his tarrying… when all along he’s saying “it will not tarry”. It’s not delayed. So I want His eyes. I want to see not just what He sees, but how He sees. I want to wake up and not worry about tomorrow. I want to “sleep” like Jesus did through the winds and the waves and know in my heart that it will be okay. I want to be okay with the fact that maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself and that maybe He wants to surprise me. And I want to let him take me there.

Half of our lives are spent trying to find something to do with the time we rushed through life trying to save. – [I don’t know who wrote this…. But its good.]

freedom Pictures, Images and Photos

10.09.2008

I flip my pillow to get to the cold side.
the same thing over and over again gets boring.
i read the book of Ruth today. don't know why she got her own book .
couldn't they have stuck her cute story in the middle of Judges or something ?
i now feel cool about her calling me her 'Boaz' . I thought it was a french curse word prior to my excursion into Ruth today during the old guy's lecture today in class.
i bought 5 dollar coffee tonight. actually two of them, one for a friend.
it just tastes better that way .
oh, and sorry.
for calling the church a whore.
i shouldn't have .

10.07.2008

"the church is a whore and she is my mother"
-St. Augustine.

the church is indeed a whore but she is not my mother. She is me [ ? } and you
[ possibly ]
and yes, we are very sinful. we judge others when we ourselves are worthy of judgment. and this makes me angry.
but i won't run away. i won't give up on us .
i will pray for change.
and go back to the shack.

"were in repair" - John Mayer .
"loneliness is the first thing which God's eye named 'not good' " .
- Milton.

10.06.2008

Naked.

"and the man and his wife were both naked and unashamed" - Genesis 2:25

Has anyone wondered why we wear clothes?
Adam and Eve didn't wear clothes before the Fall, right?
they didn't. (just in case you were searching)
They were naked, and unashamed.
I've never been naked, and unashamed.
why is that?
The Fall.
We lost relationship with Love.
and so were on this search for someone, something, to love us.
to tell us we are valuable.
when all along, Abba is asking:
"Where are you Adam?"
But i run, toiling and spinning, when will I learn from the Lilies?
that i can't add value to myself. That i'm at best in my sleep.
when i'm not going a hundred MPH looking for someone to say
"Good Job" .
buying 5 dollar coffee cups at Caribou when all along there's free coffee downstairs.
searching for leaves to cover my nakedness.

JOURNAL ENTRY : 10/5/08
I feel like I'm missing something. Jesus says that He loves me, a lot, actually unconditionally. That means that i can toil and spin, or I can sleep, and His love for me remains. But if that's true, then why do I long so much for someone to love me? Why do i toil and strut my stuff in the crowds searching for leaves to cover my nakedness? If I am really loved by Jesus, then that means that I don't have to strive to be loved. It means I can be myself, i can laugh at my own jokes, listen to folk. (?) It means that i can stop looking to her to fill that hole that we all have, the hole the size of an apple? If I trust that He loves me, since He does whether I do trust or not, then it releases me to run through the garden of this life without tripping over the approval of man every time i go to my closet or to the mall? Does this mean that I don't have to buy 5$ coffee cups because it makes me look cool?
It means a lot more than we think .
We are loved by Jesus, The Man
What does that mean to you?

"It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on."
- Galatians 5:19-21 ( The Message )

nothing else will satisfy.

Johns lonely voice crying out in the wilderness prepared the way for Emmanuel, God is with us.
A cry from self abandonment in our own wilderness has to usher in communion with Him... right?

9.24.2008

Seduction of the Secondary

" It is often a "seduction of the secondary" that keeps us from our primary love for Christ and for those He has given us to love. The "secondary" can consist of a commitment to a leader, our denomination, or the nonessential ( but familiar ) customs of our brand of religion. Unity is difficult when those secondary considerations become the basis for judging or staying away from others. Added to these can be racial, cultural, or social differences. Sometimes, education, position, financial status, or political beliefs can stand between Christians, keeping them from loving one another and experiencing the unity that Christ wills for them. When we "major in the minors," we end up separated from people who do not look, act, or talk like we do. The only way to overcome this is to be sure Christ is first and foremost in our lives and to set aside the secondary things that have little ultimate value. "
- Lloyd John Ogilvue

debating theology and politics is very exciting to me, so this cuts me to the heart. But I'm beginning to understand that debating and arguing is sort of an offspring of the our Adamic nature. since the fall, we have competing with one another so see who's better at this and that, but Jesus comes and says "this child is the greatest". So, although it is a strong temptation in me to argue and debate, or even compete, I'm trying to lay it down and focus on the things that ultimately matter, mainly Jesus and His Cross. So whether you believe in Calvin's ideas of election or not, and if you wear an Obama T-Shirt or you have a Bush/Cheney bumper sticker, it matters not to me. i love you anyways. let's go eat pizza and love on Jesus, lets go preach the cross and feed the hungry... lets move on.

9.14.2008

john piper.

would you be satisfied to go to heaven, have everyone there in your family that you want there, have all the health and restoration of your prime, and everything in this life about yourself fixed, have every recreation you've ever dreamed of available to you, and have infinite resources of money to spend, would you be satisfied?
If God weren't there?
" i have too much of the world in me to enjoy the Lord, and too much of the Lord in me to enjoy the world. " - Shai Linne

9.13.2008

dizzy.

the human heart is the most confusing vessel in the human makeup. who knows where it leads or why it leads, or at what speed it can be led. why is it when everything seems so right it has the capability to be so very wrong. if life had a road map it would be so easy, but yet so boring. if we knew the future what is there for risk, for adventure, in fear, in love, in destiny and fate. but at points i would trade it all in so that i could never hurt anyone again. so that i didn't question, i just knew.
Stephen Christian .

journal:
am i alone in that i am easily ensnared into the trap of my emotions ? One good laugh shared with someone immediately puts the feeling in my stomach that , " this could be right " . and i don't like it. i want to know her. i'm tired of the circles of yes and no, and maybe so. there are some that know the one, and it's straight running from there, but me on the other hand, no, i have not run straight ever. with my good friend, i am left in awe, but i have forgotten what that feels like. but that's part of life, especially in love. there's no telling what will happen tomorrow, or after this post. and maybe that's why marriage has come into question in the hearts of so many. they suspect boredom in running straight. they remember the times (of which i currently run) of wavering in and out of desire. i, on the other hand, am tired of the "in's and out's". i want consistency. i want to be lovesick. i want to be captured. I've tasted it with Jesus, and it's so sweet. Now, will it ever happen again? i sure hope so, because I'm dizzy.

Paul's farewell letter to Ephesus

"You know that from day one of my arrival in Asia I was with you totally—laying my life on the line, serving the Master no matter what, putting up with no end of scheming by Jews who wanted to do me in. I didn't skimp or trim in any way. Every truth and encouragement that could have made a difference to you, you got. I taught you out in public and I taught you in your homes, urging Jews and Greeks alike to a radical life-change before God and an equally radical trust in our Master Jesus.

22-24"But there is another urgency before me now. I feel compelled to go to Jerusalem. I'm completely in the dark about what will happen when I get there. I do know that it won't be any picnic, for the Holy Spirit has let me know repeatedly and clearly that there are hard times and imprisonment ahead. But that matters little. What matters most to me is to finish what God started: the job the Master Jesus gave me of letting everyone I meet know all about this incredibly extravagant generosity of God.

25-27"And so this is good-bye. You're not going to see me again, nor I you, you whom I have gone among for so long proclaiming the news of God's inaugurated kingdom. I've done my best for you, given you my all, held back nothing of God's will for you.

28"Now it's up to you. Be on your toes—both for yourselves and your congregation of sheep. The Holy Spirit has put you in charge of these people—God's people they are—to guard and protect them. God himself thought they were worth dying for.

29-31"I know that as soon as I'm gone, vicious wolves are going to show up and rip into this flock, men from your very own ranks twisting words so as to seduce disciples into following them instead of Jesus. So stay awake and keep up your guard. Remember those three years I kept at it with you, never letting up, pouring my heart out with you, one after another.

32"Now I'm turning you over to God, our marvelous God whose gracious Word can make you into what he wants you to be and give you everything you could possibly need in this community of holy friends.

33-35"I've never, as you so well know, had any taste for wealth or fashion. With these bare hands I took care of my own basic needs and those who worked with me. In everything I've done, I have demonstrated to you how necessary it is to work on behalf of the weak and not exploit them. You'll not likely go wrong here if you keep remembering that our Master said, 'You're far happier giving than getting.'"

36-38Then Paul went down on his knees, all of them kneeling with him, and prayed. And then a river of tears. Much clinging to Paul, not wanting to let him go. They knew they would never see him again—he had told them quite plainly. The pain cut deep. Then, bravely, they walked him down to the ship.


Oh, how he loved them. i hear story after story of missionaries who went to Cambodia or China or somewhere, and them saying that it was the hardest thing to leave them. their hearts were knit together. His heart is knit to ours, and He feels the feelings of our heart. I'm wanting to feel His.

9.05.2008

don't reject His plea.

How I wish you could see the potential,
the potential of you and me
It's like a book elegantly bound,
but in a language that you can't read just yet

You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart
You gotta spend some time love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart

There are days when outside your window,
I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective,
when we'll be lovers, lovers at last

You reject my advances and desperate pleas
I won't let you, let me down so easily, so easily

I will possess your heart
(death cab for cutie, narrow stairs)

...

inside of the redeemed, deep on the inside, lies this longing.
which, due to our depravity, does not come from us.
this knocking, in the middle of the night, with persistence.
the desperate plea of the Father longing for His child.
i see this Jesus that ignores the locked doors of our lives,
walks through walls, and whispers : " peace to you " .
He has come through the walls of my heart, and swept me away.
He has possessed my heart. and the more time i give to Him,
the more wood i put in the fire, burning inside of me.
its the burning desire of the Father, the lover of my soul .
the Lover of your soul. don't reject His plea. read the lyrics.

8.15.2008

apology.

i apologize
For trying to prove what's not there.
That I enjoyed the same music.
That i didn't burn with every curse word heard.
For saying, "i don't think so"
instead of , "hell no you shouldn't."
For doing what they all did
converting to ordinary, to be relevant.
but being relevant didn't change anything.
Like the Baptist I was born,
like the shepherd king, i was tempted to wear
Saul's Armor. to fit in.
but i can't .
i really tried too.
They enjoyed me more this way.
so i guess thats a good thing.
i enjoyed it more this way too.

8.12.2008

i hear my train...

"As a child I dreamt of saving the world, but realized it would have none of it, as a man I dreamt of changing my nation, but was ignored, as an old man I dreamt of changing my family, but couldn't, and only now on my death bed do I realize I should've changed myself, then my town, then my nation, then maybe I could've changed the world." - Some Archbishop

im repented that i grew too attached to some things over the past few months. So my prayers are that it all might grow distant with the distance. this is the end of something and the beginning of something new altogether. My desires have untied the knot. the glue has dampened. i'm not complaining. its just all part of the package. my friends say that all will remain the same. but i would have to render that false. it will all change. and change is good.

i was sitting down with a friend the other day. i told her that i did not know why i was doing this. i have never felt the sovereignty of God as heavy as i do at the moment. why can't i just follow the path of the one whose treaded it ahead of me? i don't know how this will end up. usually when one thinks that everything will change, not much really changes. but i want things to change. i want to fall into the hands of my Maker. that means change. that means risk. that means no more shortcuts. im casting myself unto the Sovereign One. i can't help but shake as i write this but find confort in the biography of brother Hudson Taylor who forsook all to preach the Gospel to a gospel-less China. with only pennies in his pocket, He remained faithful to the Faithful One, not asking for any money for his entire career as missionary in China. He trusted. He now wears a crown on his head that "perishes not". [ Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret by: Dr & Mrs. Howard Taylor]

the 25th: im off chasing my dreams. this is what i've spent entire nights talking to friends about since i was a kid.

"how can they hear without a preacher" right?

8.07.2008

Dear next President of the US of A.

Hey Mr. President,

congratulations on your recent promotion.

I don't know much politics, but since both sides are professing Christians, Paul would advice me to remind ya of some scripture.

Mr Obama: ( if your still alive)

King David, in one of his Messianic Psalms, states "But You are He who took Me out of the womb; You made Me trust while on My mother’s breasts. I was cast upon You from birth. From My mother’s womb You have been My God." (Psalm 22:9-10).

Please don't allow the murdering of babies.

Mark 10: 6-8: But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.

This one's a tough one, because if you're in office, it's probably because you got all the "left side" votes. So following God's law on this one is definitely going to get you in trouble, but hey just think about eternity for a moment. In 50 years, you will look back and say, "hey, i could have helped stopped the murdering of millions of babies, but i let it happen". That would be a major bummer.

They say that you'll make my wallet heavier, so that's cool. But Jesus told us not to make decisions based on whether or not we would make more mammon or not, so...

Don't count on my vote.

Dear Mr: McCaine:

My friend in Iraq tells me that they think Mr. Bush is a terrorist. My friend is a christian. She can't go to sleep at night because of the constant bombing. Her church building was bombed. Put yourself in her position sir. And i know that it's your job to make the U.S citizens feel safe. I know that the actions of the terrorists are evil. But consider what Scripture says about evil.

Paul asked: "how can you say, “Let us do evil that good may come”?.
Romans 12:14 Bless those who persecute you;

7 Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. 18 If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. 19 Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,”[a] says the Lord. 20 Therefore



“ If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
If he is thirsty, give him a drink;
For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”[b]



21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.


And no offense sir, but you can't believe in God and evolution at the same time.

Don't count on my vote.

...

In 120 characters or less, what would you say to the next president?

7.24.2008

john piper's "wartime lifestyle"

" sometimes i use the phrase "wartime lifestyle" or "wartime mind-set." The phrase is helpful- but also lopsided. For me it is mainly helpful. It tells me that there is a war foinf on in the world between Christ and Satan, truth and falsehood, belief and unbelief...it tells me that the stakes of this conflict are higher than any other war in history; they are eternal joy or eternal torment (matt 25:46)

...I need to hear this message again and again, because i drift into a peacetime mind-set as certainly as rain falls down and flames go up. I am wired by nature to love the same toys that the world loves. I start to fit in. I start to love what others love. i start to call earth "home". Before you know it, i am calling luxuries "needs" and using my money just the way unbelievers do. I begin to forget the "war". I don't think much about people perishing. Missions and unreached peoples drop out of my mind. i stop dreaming about the triumphs of grace. I sink into a secular mindset that looka first to what man can do, not what God can do. It is a terrible sickness. And i thank God for those who have forced me again and again toward a war-time mindset. "

7.18.2008

hi.

those two letters have so much speed. they get me from :( to :). i didn't use that word for a long time until December 2007. i'm starting to use it alot now. and i have found that it's a beautiful word. it's a key to a whole new world at times. it opened me to beautiful relationships with so many people and so im thankful for "hi". i'm not the kinda guy that has a vision every time i have a bowl of cereal, but i think i hear God a lot. not audibly, but like heartburn -except in my belly. and i always feel God telling me to say "hi". it's like "hey, i got a word from God: hi." . yesterday i was sitting around at a friends house with some folks i had never met before, at it was awkward. were all just sitting around, checking our phones to see if we had any new texts [although my phone was on vibrate]. and so i feel "bellyburn". so in a really weird way i turn to the guy next to me and say "hi". he looked at me like a wacko but it actually led to a full fledge conversation filled with stories about how his sister almost died of fever and how he thinks our church is "dope". remember wisdom, "life's like a box of chocolate."

7.17.2008

the here and now

"we can easily become so driven by our vision for church growth, community, or social justice that we forget the little things, like caring for those around us." -shane claiborne.

God please help me to love my mom and dad, sisters, pay for a friend's lunch... to do the little things that i often overlook.

Austria has been on my mind, so much in fact that i took my eyes off the here and the now - and the opportunities thereof. i was praying for God to use me overseas to bring about change, feed the hungry, heal the sick, etc. but Jesus has reminded me about my family, and my friends, co-workers. He wants to use me [you] now.
for tomorrow is never promised.
while reading james' book in the new testament last night, it made me wonder whether we were meant to have all these plans for the future. i think we should constantly remind ourselves of "now" .of the present moment. and of making the most of it. mother teresa used to say: "you cannot love your neighbor unless you learn to love your family." and maybe thats one of the problems with our culture, that we've been programmed since we were kids to look ahead and have all these dreams. that , on its own, is a good thing. but we've made it out to be that all we live for is the future. the patriarchs of our faith also looked forward to something, but nothing earthly. their hope was in The City, eternity. and they understood that the pleasure they recieved in eternity is directly linked to the present moment, and what we do in it.

so open your eyes and your hands little child,
look at those 5 loaves and 2 fish that seem so small
learn to use them now in this moment
and one day you'll be able to feed us all.


but whatever you do, do not miss this moment. because there's beauty in it.

[as you read this, it's a beautiful moment: a chance to pray, a chance to make someone's day, a chance to surprise your parents with a big wet kiss!]

7.14.2008

these two in mind

when time shows its weakness, loved ones show their heart.
when reality becomes real, christians show their zeal.
so we live with these two in mind
that time and eternity live together.
that "they can't hear without a preacher"
and "she will fall for another".
life, Jesus, and love-
have taught me their lessons.
they've taught me that "life isnt life unless it's given away".
that Eric Clapton's "layla" does exist
and that there can always be another on the other side.
then she becomes "layla" and then another...
Jesus has asked me "will you turn away too?"- and i counted the cost.
she will ask me the same as life has taught her that i will.
but to both i respond, i'm here to stay , although i go.
like Upton sings, i run, but love's magnet has me running right to you.
i'm starting to comtemplate the possibilities that Jesus meant everything He said.
very unpentecostal of me, i know.
but His teachings of celebacy and redistribution have tugged on me lately
and i ask "did He mean it?" .
and He asks the same of you and me.
"did you mean it?"
when you said you will follow.
it really hurts to leave for these three years
but i'm off following Him.
and i can only hope and pray me and her are opposites.
though for now it seems doubtful.

may God give you peace.

6.09.2008

unquenchable love

Daniel 7:9
“I watched till thrones were put in place, and the ancient of days was seated; his garment was white as snow, and the hair of his head was like pure wool. His throne was a fiery flame, it’s wheels a burning fire.”


His throne was a fiery flame, it’s wheels a burning fire. Our God… being moved by fire. Our God, being moved by passion. By love. Not fancy words. Not empty sacrifices. Not positions, titles or things that can be acknowledged by man. The wheels of His throne are a burning fire. What drives Him and moves Him is fiery passion. This word ‘fire’ has been in my spirit lately. I can’t help but think of how His beautiful eyes… the eyes that made me fall in love… are a blazing fire…and with those eyes he is trying to find a reflection within my heart, so he sees that same fire inside of me. He wants to be moved by the passion in my heart. He is searching us… were not our hearts burning within us?

5.20.2008

oh, summer

this past friday was my last day of high school. i have mixed emotions concerning that. [ mostly relieved ] . By late August, i will be in Minnesota for college. again, mixed emotions. a large portion of my time spent in college will be overseas. [ it is a "missionary college" ].

i remember when i used to spend my entire summer days running around being a kid. i want that again.

so i'm giving away my laptop for the summer and will be completely abandoned to God, family, friends, video games and books.

I am graduating this Friday at Florida International University and so my sister is congratulating me with a sweet camcorder. i will keep you informed of my time spent on campus and on the mission field through the medium of this precious graduation gift.

either way, i am sure Melissa will continue to blog throughout the summer. as for Julio Anta... he will be writing/ touring on the famous Warped Tour this summer so he might keep us posted on his experiences there.

i hope i will be able to post this summer but if not,
Have a great summer

5.15.2008

give me bread..

“Why do you look for the living among the dead?” Luke 24:5

We are all looking. The Bible says all creation groans in eager expectation for the revealing of the sons of God. Why the sons of God? Simple…because we look like our Father. So we’re looking… each and every one of us are looking and searching. Remember how Adam got kicked out of the Garden of Eden?? You and me… we want to go back in. Back into the place of completion, where there were no questions as to where we were going next and what we should do with our lives because we walked with God, where we were surrounded by life because nothing had died until Adam killed to conceal his sin, where the sweet smell of the breath of God lingered in the air. We want to go back in… we want God again….so we are looking for a way.
But why do we look for the living among the dead? Why do we look for the living God among the dead world? Why do we look for God in “old tombs” of relationships, ambitions, money, and compromise? He is not there. And being someone who has looked frantically like a deer pants for water… I’ve tried to find Him. I’ve tried to find the acceptance of God inside people, I’ve tried to find the will of God inside “safe small steps” instead of leaps of faith, and I’ve tried to find the richness of God inside ambitions of this world. I’ve tried all that with no luck… but today during lunch at work, I think I found Him. I found him and he wasn’t inside church [not saying church is bad… just go with me here]. I found Him and he wasn’t inside a theologian or scholar. I found Him and surprisingly enough it wasn’t inside Jason Upton…[haha]. I found Him in bread.
In Luke 24, after Jesus had died and resurrected, he appeared to 2 men walking down the road to a city named Emmaus. They were talking about Jesus, trying to understand the crucifixion when out of a sudden Jesus came up and started walking with them. They didn’t recognize that it was Him, so they started talking TO Jesus, ABOUT Jesus. When they finally got to where they were going, they invited Jesus to stay with them. The Bible then says that Jesus took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them. “Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him” [Luke 24:31]. He took bread and broke it, THEN their eyes were opened and they recognized Him. What is bread? The word of God (John 6:51,John 1:1). Once the bread AKA the Word was torn open, they were able to recognize Jesus.
We have been looking for the living among the dead… when all we need to do is tear open the word of God to be able to recognize who He is in our lives.
I’m still learning and trying, but my soul longs yes even faints [IM STARVING] for the courts of the Lord, my heart and flesh cry out for the living God [Psalm 84]. Give me bread…

5.14.2008

task at hand

i came across an old prayer of a Danish Pastor named Kaj Munk. Munk was an outspoken priest and playwright who spoke these prophetic words before he was killed, with his Bible next to him, by the Gestapo in January 1944

( careful, it might get you killed )

"What is, therefore ,our task today? Shall i answer : "faith, hope, and love"? That sounds beautiful. But i would say - courage. No, even that is not challenging enough to be the whole truth. Our task today is recklessness. For what we Christians lack is not psychology or literature... we lack a holy rage- the recklessness which comes from the knowledge of God and humanity. the ability to rage when justice lies prostrate on the streets, and when the lie rages across the face of the earth... a holy anger about the things that are wrong in the world. To rage against the ravaging of God's earth, and the destruction of God's world. To rage when little children must die of hunger, when the tables of the rich are sagging with food. To rage at the senseless killing of so many, and against the madness of militaries. To rage at the lie that calls the threat of death and the strategy of destruction peace. To rage against complacency. To restlessly seek that restlessness that will challenge and seek to change human history until conforms to the norms of the Kingdom of God. And remember the signs of the Christian Church have been the Lion, the Lamb, the Dove, and the Fish... But never the chameleon. "

5.10.2008

i want a beard

" [justice]...It needs to become more than a TREND. It should be something that Consumes us,

because after all that is what Jesus cared about." - [anayanez.blogspot.com]

i read , write alot on justice. i do very little.

i want a beard.

it would make me look cool.
cool because radical.
because radical is cool.
i don't even have to be radical to be cool.
just look it
so i want a beard and dreads, and a picture with a child from sudan.
and i'll keep writing these blogs on justice
and keep my hands and feet clean.
jesus you came to wash your disciples feet
but mine are pretty clean.
so forgive me.
you're calling me to risk
to be faceless,
to act.



i'm sorry God.

“Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.”
- von Goethe

give a shhhh...

i was reading an article today that really convicted me. it was talking about being pro-life. as soon as you read those two words "pro-life", abortion came into your mind. atleast it had that effect on me. but being pro-life isnt just protesting against the murdering of babies, but also for the sanctity of life as God intended it. every human being, baby and adult alike, have the right of life. so being pro-life means protesting against the things that are against life, like war, disease, racism, slavery, etc. all of which are very real. these are the "principalities and powers" that Jesus overcame and that we are called to war against. greed must be combated with radical generosity. hatred combated with love. war with peace, loneliness with compassionate community, and so on. these are all things that are seeking to choke life. unfortunately, the american dream has taught us that greed is at times wisdom, when jesus of nazareth taught that in order to find our life - we must first lose it. i could go on but i wont.

the following is an excerpt from the article i was reading: [ i must warn you, it might offend ] .

[ Sacred Reality by :Erin Warde, Burnside writers collective }

Speaking at Wheaton College, Tony Campolo once had great opposition to his words (which have been quoted various times, various ways, with the meaning still valid), “I have three things I’d like to say today. First, while you were sleeping last night, 30,000 kids died of starvation or diseases related to malnutrition. Second, most of you don’t give a shit. What’s worse is that you’re more upset with the fact that I said shit than the fact that 30,000 kids died last night.” Not only do I find truth in his words, but also in the reaction. Crowds were shocked, just as he knew they would be. And, though I can speak for no one’s heart, I believe that those people were far more concerned with a four letter word uttered in church than 30,000 deaths. To make things a bit more real, 17 million children, just children, die from malnutrition and starvation each year, and I do believe that we as a society cannot bring ourselves to show enough compassion for these children and, as Campolo noted frankly - give a shit.

please share your thoughts.

5.09.2008

undiscovered

“Community cannot for long feed on itself; it can only flourish with the coming of others from beyond, their unknown and undiscovered brothers.”
-Howard Thurman

i think i can drive in my neighborhood blindfolded. but there are so many roads out there, and it would be foolish of me think that driving in my neighborhood is the only place i should drive. in the same way, we should be continually opening our arms to new people. they aren't actually new people, they're just new to you and i. they have some years on them. they've laughed, and cried. been loved, been broken. they've been alone in their room, just like you and i, staring at their roof. they have the other part of the song. i must confess that there have been times when i have built up walls around my friends, and you needed like a special pass to hang with us. but i think God's calling us to lay down our arms to the "unknown and undiscovered brothers.” this year i tried it out, and i made some amazing friends. i hope this summer will be a season of beautiful community.

this word community has messed me up by the way. Jesus was the ultimate friend. he laid down His life for His friends. he showed us what true friendship was.

and... God has been speaking to me alot lately. Yay! actually it is really exciting although it cuts me to the heart. every time i have had food or money in my hand this past week [money- very few times]; he has whispered in my heart to share with someone. i have failed miserably proving to me that i am very selfish. so i'm working on "giving my coat away" even if it leaves me cold.

make a new friend

5.08.2008

i hope you dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder, You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted, GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean, Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin', Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance, And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)

-By Leeann Womak

5.07.2008

building barns

"He who thinks that he is finished is finished. How true. Those who think they have arrived, have lost their way. Those who think they have reached their goal, have missed it. Those who think they are saints, in all reality are demons."
-Henri Nouwen, The Genessee Diary.

so to all you "saints" out there, get down! you're not that great.
to the old and retired, use your wealth and wisdom for the benefit of others, not just for yourself.
to the talented, remember the days when you loved to practice, and do it again.

become a child again.

[ food for thought ] : 97 % of people evangelized this year were done so by "first-year" Christians.

beloved's.

Henri Nouwen: "Christian community is a community of people who remind each other who they truly are - the beloved of God."

try saying "hi" to as many people as you possibly can today. and maybe even make it your aim to make someone feel special, and good about themselves. in time, it will turn into habit. they might think you're weird at first, but hey, that's ok. talk to someone you don't usually talk to. i mean really talk. together we can be a community that lifts each other and is filled with hope as we await our Savior. together.

Let's Spread Love

5.06.2008

when the time comes...

When the Time Comes
You are wisdom but you ask questions
Thank you God for never telling me a lie

Your decisions are mostly hidden
The stage you stand upon is not for human eyes

You tell me not to worry about tomorrow But I worry anyway
You tell me you’ll take care of all my troubles
Jesus, teach me how to wait

You are future but you are present
Thank you God for never running from your past

You’re committed to your creation
For everything you’ve made your love forever lasts

You tell me not to worry about tomorrow but I worry anyway
You tell me you’ll take care of all my troubles
Jesus, teach me how to wait

When the time comes, I will see forever
When the time comes, It’ll be all right
When the time comes, I will be the one asking why


- Jason Upton


jesus you are committed to me, Your creation. even though i am a screw up. You're patient with me. God i am so longing to be with You already.


"When the time comes, It’ll be all right
When the time comes, I will be the one asking why".

"i hate everything about my ways but you tell me that i'm ok. thank you so much jesus for saying that."- Bryce Avary

4.29.2008

gravity

"what great gravity is this that drew my soul towards yours? what great force, that though i went falsely, went kicking, went disguising myself to earn your love, also disguised, to earn your keeping, your resting, your staying, your will fleshed into mine, rasped by a slowly revealed truth, the barter of my soul, the soul that i fear, the soul that i loathe, the soul that: if you will love, i will love. i will redeem you, if you will redeem me? is this our purpose, you and i together to pacify each other, to lead each other toward the lie that we are good, that we are noble, that we need not redemption, save the one that you and i invented of our own clay?
i am not scared of you, i am scared of me.
we were fools to believe that we would redeem each other.
what great gravity is this that drew my heart toward yours? what great force collapsed my orbit, my lonesome state? what is that wants in me the want in you? don't we go at each other with yielded eyes, with cumbered hands and feet, with clunky tongues? this deed is unattainable! we cannot know each other!
i will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. i will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. i will simply love. i am giving myself to you, and tomorrow i will do it again. i suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before i am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.
God risked Himself on me. i will risk myself on you. and together, we will learn love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us. "
-Don Miller, Polaroids

the great gravity that brought jesus from the heavens unto this earth will bring me down too, unto my knees, for the least.

4.25.2008

girls and lack of.

" i understand you can learn a great deal about girldom by reading Pride and Prejudice, and i own a copy, but i have never read it. i tried. it was given to me by a girl with a little note inside that read: what is in this book is the heart of a woman. i am sure the heart of a woman is pure and lovely, but the first chapter of said heart is hopelessly boring. nobody dies at all. i keep the book on my shelf because girls come into my room, sit on my couch, and eye the books on the adjacent shelf. you have a copy of Pride and Prejudice, they exclaim in a gentle sigh and smile. yes, i say. yes, i do."
- Don Miller, Blue like jazz

i know nothing of girls.
and i suck at acoustic guitar.

.

4.22.2008

the pursuit of righteousness

I am in a pursuit. I feel a lot like King David in Psalm 27:8 when he said “When You said, “Seek My face, “My heart said to You, “Your face, LORD, I will seek.” My heart is just responding to the desires of Gods heart as he gently whispers them over me. Deep calling out to deep. Like I’m in a desert frantically, desperately looking for water. Just a drop won’t even satisfy cause I need to be immersed into a river that never runs dry. I can’t even explain how I feel… it’s as if every time I even think about God I fall more in love. And the thought that the same God who in half a sentence created the heavens and the Earth longs for my weak devotion is the greatest romance I could have ever hoped for. You know how they say that eyes are the windows to ones soul? His eyes are a blazing fire…Rev 19:12, revealing the burning passion He has inside for you and for me. My whole being wants to be consumed by this fire… till there’s nothing left but Love in me.
Songs of Solomon 8:6-7
6 Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.

7 Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.
Running away

4.21.2008

on the keyboard.

tonight i spent a couple of hours on my laptop listening to music, watching the nba playoffs, and contemplating my grounding. that's right, im grounded again. i'm realizing i dont fit into the school system. they want me to do work at home. i disagree with that notion. i spend enough time at the prison they call school so when i get home, i'm over the rainbow and am a slave to freedom and to the wind. i can do as i please and i will bulldozer all that stand in my way. i'm just playing, i'm not that rebellious to school. i actually enjoy learning it's just the take home work that pisses the hell out of me. my brother in-law thinks that i'm creating a habit for college. my dad says it's more of a habit for life. they're probably right. i think i might drop out, but seeing that there's only 15 more days of school and my cap and gown is on my passenger seat...i think i might endure.

on another thought: i love the night-time. everyone is asleep except for me and God, and snoopy. i think i'm nocturnal. the night time brings me to life again. my headphones are the keys to my spaceship. the bible is blurry but it makes me. i'm minutes away from the most beautiful place in my life right now: my dreams.

life is wonderful.

currently
listening to: jon foreman/ in my arms ; death cab for cutie
reading: the Psalms ; the irrestible revolution and Stephen Christian essays [ www.modesty.blogspot.com ]

and
i'm starting to believe i'm writing to myself and Mr.Torres. [ no complaint intended ]

pride vs. improvement

the following is an essay from Stephen Christian, the guitarist of the band 'Anberlin' . :

"The (un)easiest acquisition.
praise is an easy acquisition, anyone that considers you a friend or you consider them a friend would instantaneously extend a kind word upon request. compliments seem to waterfall from most parents (hopefully) at random occasions and most of the time you don’t even have to ask for their approval, they simply profess it without a proposition.

the challenge in life is not to acquire praise but seeking criticism; Wilma askinas said “A friend is someone who sees through you and still enjoys the view.”
other people already know the dark/negative sides of us even when we ourselves cannot see it. it takes a real man or women to ask our true friends “what are some areas of my life you see i need to work on? what are some of my character flaws and how do you think i can improve them?”

by knowing the answers to these questions and NOT TAKING OFFENCE TO THE ANSWERS YOU RECIEVE, digesting them, and working on those areas in our life to improve ourselves we are not only working on/out our shortcomings but improving ourselves and the lives of the people around us.

'honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger'. Franklin Jones
mr. jones was saying that criticism is going to be hard to take from anyone; and it will be. most friends are going to be VERY hesitant about giving you the truth until they see why you want it and trust you that you are not going to be defensive and begin to point out their flaws. unwanted criticism about personalities and character is the poison in the vein of a healthy friendship. never point out someone’s flaws just because you assume they want to change as well. if you do ask your friends the heart wrenching questions above you will see that one has to arrive in a particular mental state, prepared for the number of discouraging answers one might receive, before you even initially ask. let them see the improvement in your life by applying the solutions to their answers and they will want to ask you the same questions down the road.

why not improve? why not question our family and friends with these questions? why live in a constant state of denial the rest of our lives? realize that the only person you are deceiving is yourself, everyone around you knows your shortcomings! what holds us back is not a lack of time, deep friendship, or honesty… it is merely PRIDE. it is the deception of self-righteousness that is the ugliest cause of the constant lack of improvement in our character and lives.

Kill Pride. Improve."

idea: get together with some friends and talk. better yet, sit on your parents' bed and ask them how you can improve.

it will hurt. like a sword.

attraction.

‘sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. it is as if they are showing you the way.’- Don Miller

dear friends and leaders, i was cold, but you fanned the flame in me, just by watching you love God.

thank you for your passion.

i hope one day i can do the same to others.

4.15.2008

my ex-fiancee



My heart leaped for joy

when I ran into my ex-fiancé,

the love of my life,

and she said, “I miss you.”

Until I realized she was saying,

“Ayeee! My shoe!!”

As I was standing on her foot.

- aaron donley

it was confirmed to me this past week that i am very clumsy. i fell countless times on my senior trip. on sunday, me and a few friends from church went to mourn with a friend that had her dad pass away, and while i was on the phone with a friend, i crashed my head into one of her dad's trophy animals that was hanging on the wall. i fell, they laughed. she smiled. and that made me smile.
and so i got up and my glasses fell. that got less laughs and more weird looks toward me.

they think i've lost it.

bono

When a poor person dies of hunger, it has not happened because God did not take care of him or her. 
It has happened because neither you nor I wanted to give that person what he or she needed. 

You and I, we are the Church, no? We have to share with our people. Suffering today is because people are hoarding, not giving, not sharing. 
Jesus made it very clear. Whatever you do to the least of my brethren, you do it to me.
Give a glass of water, you give it to me. Receive a little
child, you receive me.

 

4.13.2008

me and You and them and me

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
- Mother Teresa

i fell in love this week with:

1. reading [ the irrestible Revolution by: Shane Clairborne } & {blue like jazz - again ]
2. a guy named Allistair "Superdutch". [ whom i met in N.Carolina ] . i'm not gay.
3. another guy named Julio Anta [ and his many questions on faith and his liberal point of view. ]
4. guitar [ and old hymns ]
5. Mother Teresa
6. the poor. [ and those who love them ]
7. Apparently this curly haired girl [ and my not being able to keep her off my mind , or conversation ] .
8. Travis & Turn .
9 . Dashboard Confessional and So Impossible.

and i'm really hoping to fall in love with the Bible again, my attempt begins tonight with Hosea.

i'm hoping that i will be able to write a real blog by the end of the week, so bear with me. and pray hard, because i suck at this writing thing.

bye.

3.27.2008

when i grow up...

One of our favorite subjects on the planet, and one I have written about here countless times, is figuring out our purpose. It's the goal that has launched a million backpacking trips across Europe and an equal number of mid-life crisises. But as complicated as we make it and as difficult as it often feels, Paul felt like it was pretty simple. Here is what he says in Galations 5:13:

"You, my brothers, were called to be free."

That's it. That is our purpose, to be free. Nothing fancy. Nothing complex or difficult or mystically spiritual. Freedom, that is our gift and our purpose. That is the word that is supposed to define our lives. So i believe God is asking you: what do you want to do? with the 5 fish and 2 loaves that i have given you , what do you want to do? how do you want to invest your 70- 90 years on this earth?

So are you living it? Would people describe you as free? Or are you embracing slavery in some way? Are there chains on you people might not see? Because you can go to Europe a thousand times and get the fastest sports car on the planet, but at the end of the day, if you're not free, you're not living your purpose and that's a tragedy. so jesus gives us the freedom to be. and not be enslaved to what the world tells us we should be. so sing, dance, write, but most importantly: be. 

this, my friends, is freedom. 

currently reading: the ragamuffin gospel by : brendan manning. 

Super- Happy -Shiny -Christian Radio

Boy of boy, I get cavities when I listen to Christian radio in the morning it's so sweet and sugary. Not that I'm asking for negativity, but for some reason, we want our morning radio to be like a big hug from a teddy bear.

I think that Christian radio is the audio equivalent of that poster that has the cat hanging on a rope with the line, "Hang in there." And it doesn't have to be. I think that Christianity is a lot more interesting than we make it out to be. I think it's real and honest and beautiful and ugly. But when in one of our most popular mediums we sugarcoat it, we give the world a really weird reflection of what it means to be Christian. And that's just not cool.

also, where in the world is the place of honesty? i mean, do we really want ministers to be honest? do we want to hear their stories of how they were / are struggling with sin? and do we really want the next person that we ask: "how are you" to respond with the truth of how they are really feeling deep down on the inside? that would make us have to be compassionate or atleast act like we really care. and thats exactly why i have pre-programmed myself to answer everyone of those questions with " I'm doing good bro..."

3.23.2008

the power of squinting

1 Kings 18:41-45
41 Then Elijah said to Ahab, “Go up, eat and drink; for there is the sound of abundance of rain.” 42 So Ahab went up to eat and drink. And Elijah went up to the top of Carmel; then he bowed down on the ground, and put his face between his knees,
43 and said to his servant, “Go up now, look toward the sea.” So he went up and looked, and said, “There is nothing.” And seven times he said, “Go again.”
44 Then it came to pass the seventh time, that he said, “There is a cloud, as small as a man’s hand, rising out of the sea!” So he said, “Go up, say to Ahab, ‘Prepare your chariot, and go down before the rain stops you.’”
45 Now it happened in the meantime that the sky became black with clouds and wind, and there was a heavy rain. So Ahab rode away and went to Jezreel.
46 Then the hand of the LORD came upon Elijah; and he girded up his loins and ran ahead of Ahab to the entrance of Jezreel.


You know how when you squint, you can see things from far away? Things that were probably blurry when your eyes were normal. But if you squint… if you tighten your eyes and change their position you can see things from afar. Things that were there before but you just couldn’t see them. Things that aren’t close but close enough.
Elijah heard a sound... he heard the sound of the abundance of rain. The drought would soon be over and all they were waiting for was the rain. So he went on top of a mountain and put his face between his knees [meaning he wasn’t looking], and told his servant to look for a cloud. First time he looked… nothing. Second time he looked… nothing. Sounds familiar? First time you prayed… nothing. Second time you prayed… nothing.
BUT wait… on the 7th time he saw something. Something far away. Something very small. So small it probably wouldn’t have been worth mentioning. So small he could of probably missed it. But he saw it. And you know what he did? He said “Prepare your chariot, before the rain stops you”… we all know that in order for rain to stop us from doing anything it has to be bad. It has to be big and heavy. And even though the cloud they saw was the size of a hand, they were preparing for abundance. The cloud could have been blown to the other direction. It could have even stopped somewhere else. But they knew it was coming… that it was for them.
Whatever your waiting for, whatever your praying for… squint your eyes and see, for the vision is yet for an appointed time!! Whatever mountain your standing on top of, and whatever your looking for… squint your eyes, because the Spirit of God is about to raise up a standard! Whatever it is, wherever it is… it’s coming. For eye has not seen nor ear has heard the things that God has prepared for those who love him. The rains about to come… and it’s heavy.
That’s the power of squinting…

The Day Between

Christ died yesterday.

He defeats death tomorrow.

We know that. But they did not.

What were Mary and the disciples thinking/feeling today?

The day between.

- "Los"


if you're in the "day between" where you feel hopeless and you really don't see results of the thing you were hoping for, please remember always that Sunday is coming. 
specifically, if you feel that you are called to the ministry, but you haven't been "doing your best" lately, i want to encourage you not to forget that Sunday is a coming and God hasn't changed His mind about you and the way He wants to use you. i know Peter felt like he had to make a career change when he denied Jesus, but Jesus came back and realigned him with his call. so i pray he does that with you / us. 

i also want to open up the "comment" section for any thing that you have on your heart , whether it be an anonymous confession or something that will edify the rest of us feeling like were in the day between, go ahead. 

-noel

3.21.2008

Dancing Toward Bethlehem

"And what a relief to see your friendly smile.  It is like seeing the face of God."- jacob to esau.

If there is only enough time in the final minutes of the twentieth century for one last dance I would like to be dancing it slowly with you,

say, in the ballroom of a seaside hotel. My palm would press into the small of your back as the past hundred years collapsed into a pile of mirrors or buttons or frivolous shoes,

just as the floor of the ninteenth century gave way and disappeared in a red cloud of brick dust. There will be no time to order another drink or worry about what was never said,

not with the orchestra sliding into the sea and all our attention devoted to humming whatever it was they were playing.

by Billy Collins, found in Sailing Alone Around the Room

3.20.2008

i'm grounded.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.../ the joy of the lord is my strength...

what i learned today:

if daddy is not happy, i'm grounded .

if daddy is pleased, i can do anything.

so i make it my aim to be well pleasing to Him.

our real freedom is released unto us in our pleasing our Dad.

so the majority of the world is grounded because we forgot what got us in the garden in the first place. [ God placed Adam in the garden because He took pleasure in him and wanted to "walk" with him ]

there's no real freedom outside of this.

Jesus wants to walk with me and you again. he's always wanted to.

3.19.2008

47.


so this is what i've been burning on for the last few days:

47 million babies have been killed since abortion was made legal.


is there any greater problem in society today? protesters will fight and shout for hours on the subject of bringing back our troops from war and yet say its alright to kill babies. did you know that this whole "keep abortion legal" campaign thats been going on for 40 years now started as a feminist/hippie movement? they argued that since a man had a choice to leave a child and leave it uncared for, then the female also has the right to leave a child uncared for or even KILL it. sounds evil right? it is.


47.

honestly, the only reason i would have to vote for mccain is because of his stance on abortion & homosexuality. but i do not see politics as the way we will overturn abortion. i honestly dont. G.W. Bush has probably been the most righteous President since Ford, and yet even He couldn't make abortion illegal.

i think the way we will see this overturned is through fasting & prayer. we can pray that the hearts of the nation [and church] will be broken over this subject and just like awareness has been raised on the topics of Darfur and mass-poverty and such, do our best to spread the news of this tragedy.

"cry aloud, and spare not" .

[ the pope has recently declared abortion to be wrong, except in the case of rape and/or other uncontrollable circumstances, but who made him God? abortion [murder] is wrong in all cases ]

p.s [prophetic sidenote] : when Moses and Jesus were babies, Satan sent out abortionists to kill all the babies... he tried his best to kill these two men. Since then, there has not been such a great assualt on babies until this generation. what does the devil see coming that we dont seem to know about?

sounds like an army of righteousness is being born...

47. justice.

write it down somewhere, keep it burning in your heart. pray.

3.10.2008

enlarged

All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.
Waiting is hard. It really is... and its one of the things God makes us do the most.
What is it that is birthing inside of you? What spoken word from God has been growing and growing inside your spirit yet it seems like it's never going to come out... like its never going to happen. We feel the pain, we feel the birth pangs...we feel the weight of having to carry this around, we have people wanting to "touch our stomachs" in excitment yet they don't know what its like to hold it within us. They don't know the pain. They don't feel it kicking, they don't feel the pressure. And us... all we can do is wait.
What dream inside of you is patiently waiting to be fully developed so that it can be birthed out? What promise are you waiting for? What dream are you carrying inside?
There is a pregnant generation. Pregnant with spoken promises from the heart of God. Some have aborted them, not being ready to carry on such a call. Some have had them prematurely... risking to lose it all... and some of us are still waiting. Knowing that we are ENLARGED in the waiting.
The Kingdom is within you. When it starts expanding... it will either expand you.... or break you. - Jason Upton.
Just hold on....

3.09.2008

Effort

"Now we cannot . . . discover our failure to keep God's law except by trying our very hardest (and then failing). Unless we really try, whatever we say there will always be at the back of our minds the idea that if we try harder next time we shall succeed in being completely good. Thus, in one sense, the road back to God is a road of moral effort, of trying harder and harder. But in another sense, it is not trying that is ever going to bring us home. All this trying leads up to the vital moment at which you turn to God and say, "you must do this. I can't."
C.S Lewis, Mere Christianity



"Many things - such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly - are done worst when we try hardest to do them."
C.S Lewis, Studies in Medieval and Renaissance Literature

3.06.2008

Rich Young Rulers in Training?

All the wisdom necessary to unlock my soul,


But, my feet are fixed in cement


The young, rich ruler has taken residence in this fragile jar


It was once filled with prodigal clay


Too proud to yield the the truth that permeates their guilt-inducing pleas


My comfort has not left me blind,


But, instead inclined me to ignore the least of these


In doing so,I ignore Him


And become poorAgain
Luke 18:18-29
18A certain ruler asked him, “Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
19“Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone. 20You know the commandments: ‘Do not commit adultery, do not murder, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother.’[b]”
21“All these I have kept since I was a boy,” he said.
22When Jesus heard this, he said to him, “You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
23When he heard this, he became very sad, because he was a man of great wealth. 24Jesus looked at him and said, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God! 25Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
26Those who heard this asked, “Who then can be saved?”
27Jesus replied, “What is impossible with men is possible with God.”
28Peter said to him, “We have left all we had to follow you!”
29“I tell you the truth,” Jesus said to them, “no one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God 30will fail to receive many times as much in this age and, in the age to come, eternal life.”
Matthew 25:31-46
31“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. 32All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left. 34“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40“The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’
41“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’
44“They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’
45“He will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’
46“Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”


Father, forgive us.



According to UNICEF, 26,500-30,000 children die each day due to poverty. And they “die quietly in some of the poorest villages on earth, far removed from the scrutiny and the conscience of the world. Being meek and weak in life makes these dying multitudes even more invisible in death.”Source 4
Around 27-28 percent of all children in developing countries are estimated to be underweight or stunted. The two regions that account for the bulk of the deficit are South Asia and sub-Saharan Africa.
If current trends continue, the Millennium Development Goals target of halving the proportion of underweight children will be missed by 30 million children, largely because of slow progress in Southern Asia and sub-Saharan Africa.Source 5
Based on enrolment data, about 72 million children of primary school age in the developing world were not in school in 2005; 57 per cent of them were girls. And these are regarded as optimisitic numbers.Source 6
Nearly a billion people entered the 21st century unable to read a book or sign their names.Source 7
Less than one per cent of what the world spent every year on weapons was needed to put every child into school by the year 2000 and yet it didn’t happen.Source 8
Infectious diseases continue to blight the lives of the poor across the world. An estimated 40 million people are living with HIV/AIDS, with 3 million deaths in 2004. Every year there are 350–500 million cases of malaria, with 1 million fatalities: Africa accounts for 90 percent of malarial deaths and African children account for over 80 percent of malaria victims worldwide.Source 9
Water problems affect half of humanity:
Some 1.1 billion people in developing countries have inadequate access to water, and 2.6 billion lack basic sanitation.
Almost two in three people lacking access to clean water survive on less than $2 a day, with one in three living on less than $1 a day.
More than 660 million people without sanitation live on less than $2 a day, and more than 385 million on less than $1 a day.
Access to piped water into the household averages about 85% for the wealthiest 20% of the population, compared with 25% for the poorest 20%.
1.8 billion people who have access to a water source within 1 kilometre, but not in their house or yard, consume around 20 litres per day. In the United Kingdom the average person uses more than 50 litres of water a day flushing toilets (where average daily water usage is about 150 liters a day. The highest average water use in the world is in the US, at 600 liters day.)
Some 1.8 million child deaths each year as a result of diarrhoea
The loss of 443 million school days each year from water-related illness.
Close to half of all people in developing countries suffering at any given time from a health problem caused by water and sanitation deficits.
Millions of women spending several hours a day collecting water.
To these human costs can be added the massive economic waste associated with the water and sanitation deficit.… The costs associated with health spending, productivity losses and labour diversions … are greatest in some of the poorest countries. Sub-Saharan Africa loses about 5% of GDP, or some $28.4 billion annually, a figure that exceeds total aid flows and debt relief to the region in 2003.
Number of children in the world
2.2 billion
Number in poverty
1 billion (every second child)
Time for change.
Me[last] .